By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

Too much emphasis placed on appearance
By Steve Penner

In a recent article published in USA Today, Todd Shackleford, a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, who has been studying infidelity for more than 20 years, states that people with low scores on personality tests that measure conscientiousness and high scores on openness to experience also are likely to cheat.

But Shackleford adds that especially for men, opportunity is also a major factor, as the temptation for successful guys with lots of money and whose careers cause them to travel away from home and who have women throwing themselves at them, will be far more likely to stray.

I am reminded of a comment that good old Samantha uttered on “Sex and the City,” “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their (privates), because they can.” But in this column, titled “The Truth about Dating,” I want to focus on another reason that men and women eventually cheat on their spouses. I am not merely talking about celebrities, but everyday people. That factor is the overemphasis that both sexes (but especially men) place on physical appearance when they start dating.

I have written this before, but I cannot emphasize this fact enough. Both at the dating service that I ran for 23 years and through subsequent coaching of singles who sign up forInternet dating sites, I have seen too many people place far too much emphasis on physical appearance.

Unfortunately, so many people who play the dating game minimize all other factors except appearance when looking to meet someone, supposedly for a “long-term” relationship. Yes, these people state that they are looking to meet someone with whom they can grow old. Yet what they are really looking for is someone they find very attractive today.

So they ignore personality characteristics, similar values, etc., and look for a person who at this point in their life just “knocks their socks off.” Subsequently, when they find such a person, they ignore everything else, and believe in their heart of hearts that they have finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. After all, that is what happens in the movies.

Many times I listened to feedback from guys after first dates raving about what a great “match” they had just met. What made her such a terrific match? “She was absolutely breathtaking,” they would exclaim. And what about her personality? “Yeah, it seemed OK.” I have written all of this before in many columns over the past 4½ years. I have written about men who get their dating clues from watching gorgeous women parade before them on television commercials or in Victoria Secret catalogs. Then there are women whose dating priorities began to evolve when they were little girls watching the handsome Prince Charming sweep away Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty in their favorite Disney animated feature.

I have written about men who refuse to date a woman because she weighs 10 pounds more than the ideal or women who reject a man because he is two inches shorter than her preference. I have also written about the fact that the infatuation phase of any relationship has a shelf life far shorter than the number of years it takes to grow old with somebody.

So what happens when the initial physical infatuation for such people wears off, whether it is weeks, months, or years after the wedding? If they still want to stay together, perhaps because of the children or for financial reasons, then their eyes will begin to wander …; and inevitably one or both will cheat.

I am not talking about all couples, but I am talking about those couples who based their initial relationship primarily on physical attraction. Any man who tells his dating service counselor to focus only on physical appearance when finding him matches (and I heard many men make that statement), is a guy very likely to cheat down the road.

The same holds true for a woman who skims through her online dating service matches just looking for her tall, dark, and handsome “Prince Charming.” As for Tiger Woods, all his life he probably lusted after beautiful, Scandinavian-looking blondes with classic beauty, and he eventually found one. His wife, the Swedish Elin Nordegren, is the personification of such a gorgeous woman.

Of course I would guess that many gorgeous women who, when young, used their beauty to snare wealthy, successful men may be the victims of a philandering hubby even more than “normal” looking women. It is likely that such men tended to overlook undesirable personality traits when they first wed, and when the infatuation period began to fade, these guys’ eyes began to wonder.

I have often heard the quip “show me a man who has been married to a beautiful blonde for many years, and I will show you a man who lusts after gorgeous brunettes.” (Although Tiger seems to stick with blondes.) I have no way of knowing how Tiger felt about Elin’s personality, her values, her interests, her political views, etc., when he first met her. But I would suspect he couldn’t care less the moment he set eyes on her. Elin fit the image that he was looking for, and for a perfectionist like Tiger that was probably all it took for him to eventually propose.

Yet supposedly he was cheating on her even before they were married!

So, show me a couple who claim it was “love at first sight,” and then got hitched just a few weeks or months later, and I will show you a husband and or wife likely to eventually cheat.

Are there exceptions? Of course. But I would suggest they are about as rare as a double bogey by Tiger Woods during the final round of the Masters.

Source: seacoastline.com

Having trouble meeting a new guy, especially in a small town? “Sex and the City” writer and “O, The Oprah Magazine” columnist Cindy Chupack is here to help. Here’s a hint: Be the New Girl.

By Cindy Chupack from “O, The Oprah Magazine”

Q: If Carrie Bradshaw had trouble finding sex in the big city, imagine my trouble finding a man in Reno! The men I meet are washed-up high school Hall of Famers or your typical dog with nothing but sex on the brain. I’m in a rut. The right guy is out there. Why is it so hard to find him?
— Jacqui, Nevada

A: First of all, Carrie had a roomful of writers making sure she always had a man (or at least a funny story about why she didn’t have a man), so like single women everywhere, you’re at a slight disadvantage being nonfictional.

Given that you don’t have anybody brainstorming love interests for Season 6 of The Jacqui Show, I think you’re doing pretty well. After all, a has-been is better than a never-was, and men who are interested only in sex are preferable to men who are interested only in, say, Doritos. But I get it: You’re hoping there are other options.

Let’s talk about the problem of meeting men in your city (a favorite national pastime for single women). Reno is a gambling mecca, and gambling requires more losers than winners, but after you’ve been dating a decade or two, any city can feel like it has more losers than winners.

You know who does meet Mr. Right? The New Girl. I’m sure you’re familiar with this phenomenon. You’ve lived someplace for years, you’re feeling very “been there, done him,” then a female friend moves to town and before you can say, “This is where I get my hair cut,” she’s been on four dates and collected seven party invitations. She’s not better than you. She’s just newer. So that’s what you need to do, Jacqui: Be the New Girl.

I’m not saying you have to move, although moving certainly shakes things up. But you could also act as if you’ve moved and get the same results, no Bubble Wrap required.

I had a single friend who moved to Los Angeles from New York, and since she didn’t know many people, she decided to say yes to every invitation. That’s how she ended up on a bus to Pioneertown with a bunch of folks dressed as pirates. There are so many reasons to say no to that offer (”We’re going by bus?”), but my friend not only had a surprisingly good time; she firmly established herself as game, and more invitations (requiring no peg leg or parrot) came pouring in. Within months of her arrival, she had great prospects and great stories.

I had another friend who moved to Los Angeles for three months while on leave from a high-stress consulting job. After filling her time with volunteer work, daily beach runs, and watercolor classes, she exuded such a happy, healthy openness, she met men in line for coffee! Her final night she had two first date offers, and the one she accepted led to a permanent move to Los Angeles, marriage, and three kids.

Thinking about these women, I realized you don’t have to be new in town to act new in town. You just have to try new things. Check out local concerts and farmers’ markets. Find a new route to work, a new coffee place. Say yes to every invitation. And don’t do things to meet men; do things that intrigue, delight, or challenge you. Take singing lessons, flower arranging, salsa dancing, trapeze, French. Be the New Girl in a photography class, a running club, a Habitat for Humanity build. A new kind of guy might be attracted to the New Girl you become, but more important, you might love the New You. And that’s sexy in any city.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com