By Russell Salzman

It has been the bane of every man’s existence for the better part of recorded history, and has caused distress and heavy drinking for single people for nearly as long. It is the inevitable topic of a column devoted to sex and relationships, published in mid-February. Its name is Valentine’s Day, and you should all be very, very frightened.

Well, maybe not frightened, but at the very least vigilant and aware.

This is a holiday that is devoted to relationships and the love/like that is shared between two (or more, I’m not one to judge) individuals. At least that is its intention. What the holiday usually ends up doing is forcing men and women to spend ridiculous amounts of time and money on getting the perfect gift for their partners, and forcing all of us single people out there to reflect on the fact that we are, in fact, single. Whether by choice or by circumstance, no one likes to be reminded that they are alone on this holiday.

But my friends, please do not despair, for I have good news: if you find yourself grouped in with any of the aforementioned generalizations, you are viewing this holiday all wrong.

For those of you in a relationship or situation that warrants buying your partner a Valentine’s Day gift, think back to the golden rule for Christmas, birthdays and any other gift-giving occasion - it’s the thought that counts. Who cares if you spend that extra $40, $50, or even $100 on that giant bouquet of flowers that you put no time or effort into? Same goes with jewelry and pricey trinkets.

Romanticism draws from the creativity and effort that you are willing to use to put a smile on your partner’s face, and an extra-fast beat in their heart.

Cover her bed with hand-picked flowers, make your guy his favorite meal with his favorite brew or even just steal your partner away from a night of drinking Downtown so you can both cuddle on the couch and watch a bunch of your favorite movies; the best gifts are the ones that require more planning and thought than money. After all, anyone can swipe a credit card, but only your special someone can give you what your heart really desires.

And for you single people, please don’t think that I have forgotten about you. Although all your friends who are in relationships or are seeing someone will (hopefully) be spending the day/night with their partners, I guarantee you that there is still a significant number of single friends that you can surround yourself with so no one feels lonely when there is so much love in the air.

And believe me, love is in the air. Although you may enter the holiday single, that may not be how you leave it if you play your cards right. So go party or hang out with your friends, meet some new people and let the holiday work its magic. At the very least, you’ll have a fun night. At best, you’ll find yourself paying attention to a different section of this column next year - the part devoted to those in a relationship.

Use this coming week to plan an unforgettable Valentine’s Day for your special someone or to find yourself a new person to devote to your affection, and don’t let your relationship status hold you down.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Source: Pipe Dream

By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

By Ellen McCarthy

The year she turned 30, Rebecca Bloch started dating a nice man. The type who did the right things and was ready to commit, talking of marriage after just a few months together.

The recent law school grad had spent the previous decade in a string of failed relationships. With every new guy she would adapt, tweaking some aspect of her personality to make it work. “And inevitably I’d go, ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ ” she says.

But this one was serious about her and “I thought, ‘Well, I guess that’s what settling down means — you settle,’ ” recalls Bloch, now 33.

Doctors blamed her tension headaches on the stress of studying for the bar exam. But when she was really honest with herself, she knew it was more than that. So in December 2006 she ended the relationship, then flew from Washington to Park City, Utah, to clear her mind doing the thing she loved best: skiing.

She decided she’d be like the women she’d met on chairlifts: happy and single. She would move to Denver, ski all the time and stop trying to fit her square peg into round holes. “I thought, ‘I’m not going to find anybody and that’s okay,’ ” she says. “I’m living for me.”

The headaches made a fast retreat, and Bloch, a Washington native and Sidwell Friends alumna, enrolled in a week-long ski school. She and a half-dozen other students, all in their 50s and 60s, were under the tutelage of Jorge Diaz Pardo, a Barcelona-born man who spent much of his 20s rotating between hemispheres, working as a ski instructor in New Zealand for half the year and Utah for the rest.

On the first day Diaz Pardo collected phone numbers for all his skiers in case anyone got separated. Bloch recalls thinking that Diaz Pardo “was this adorable Spanish ski instructor that I was going to have nothing to do with.”

Diaz Pardo chatted with his students about books and travel and their lives, and paid no special attention to Bloch. She found herself acting properly around the handsome European, until she became convinced he wasn’t interested. Then she relaxed into her more natural self, laughing loudly and telling dirty jokes.

Bloch had no idea that on their first meeting Diaz Pardo, now 31, had looked through her foggy ski goggles, caught a glimpse of her green eyes and thought, “I’m in trouble.”

On the fourth day he invited her to come swimming after ski school. She thought nothing of it until he grabbed her leg under the water and pulled her in for a kiss. “I remember being like, ‘What? ‘” says Bloch, now 33. “I was so shocked.”

She extended her trip five days. They toured a Mormon Temple, ate paella and skied. “We just talked about everything. And it was just so easy to be with him,” she says. “He’s so excited about everything. . . . He just seemed to love life.”

When it came time to return to Washington, Bloch was bereft. Diaz Pardo was also sad, but knew the drill about tourists: “You meet people every week, so you kind of detach,” he says. “You have a great time with people but then they go. And they go and they go . . . so you kind of create a defense mechanism.”

Still, they kept up through e-mail, Bloch always half-hoping Diaz Pardo would tell her to forget about studying for the bar and come back out to Utah. He cheered her on instead. In late February she packed her bags for Denver, took the Colorado bar and began her new life. When she and friends took a trip to Park City, roles were reversed. This time it was Diaz Pardo who wanted more. “It was like, ‘Here’s this great girl and I’m going to leave again,’ ” he recalls. ” ‘I’m going to go back to New Zealand and it’s going to be totally over.’ ”

He arranged to visit her in Denver and proposed a trip to Spain. Bloch hadn’t yet found a job so she agreed, their two long weekends together having rekindled her initial inklings that “this is somebody really special.” In Spain they hung out with his family, traveled to Morocco and talked about what they wanted this relationship to be. Anything serious might mean an end to his days as a wanderer.

“That was a huge existential debate for me,” Diaz Pardo says. For 20 days after Bloch left, he sat “staring at the wall,” wondering, “What am I going to do with my life?”

Finally he told his boss he wouldn’t be returning to New Zealand. It was time for stability, Diaz Pardo decided. Moreover, “I loved this girl.”

He moved to Denver, staying first for three months on a visitor visa, then in January 2008 enrolling in an MBA program as Bloch started her career as a public defender. And what began in both their minds as a fling morphed into something much more fixed. For the first time, Bloch found herself in a relationship that “was always just easy.” Both are adventure-seekers who see themselves as quasi-misfits and prefer to root for the underdog.

“It was just a soul mate in every sense of the word, and I never thought I’d be lucky enough to find my soul mate,” she says. “I thought that was just something people say.” In June, 2 1/2 years after they met, Diaz Pardo proposed in their Denver home.

There was a certain charm to the fact that Washington was hit with a record snowfall on the day of their wedding. (It was Bloch’s mom who “always said she thought it was far more important that I marry a skier than somebody Jewish.”) Guests sat by the windows of the Westin Grand’s courtyard Dec. 19, watching soft flakes glint on illuminated trees as they waited for Bloch to make her way down the aisle.

Once there she was serenaded by Diaz Pardo and her brother, doing an acoustic version of that Adam Sandler classic “I Wanna Grow Old With You.”

Source: Washington Post

Too much emphasis placed on appearance
By Steve Penner

In a recent article published in USA Today, Todd Shackleford, a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, who has been studying infidelity for more than 20 years, states that people with low scores on personality tests that measure conscientiousness and high scores on openness to experience also are likely to cheat.

But Shackleford adds that especially for men, opportunity is also a major factor, as the temptation for successful guys with lots of money and whose careers cause them to travel away from home and who have women throwing themselves at them, will be far more likely to stray.

I am reminded of a comment that good old Samantha uttered on “Sex and the City,” “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their (privates), because they can.” But in this column, titled “The Truth about Dating,” I want to focus on another reason that men and women eventually cheat on their spouses. I am not merely talking about celebrities, but everyday people. That factor is the overemphasis that both sexes (but especially men) place on physical appearance when they start dating.

I have written this before, but I cannot emphasize this fact enough. Both at the dating service that I ran for 23 years and through subsequent coaching of singles who sign up forInternet dating sites, I have seen too many people place far too much emphasis on physical appearance.

Unfortunately, so many people who play the dating game minimize all other factors except appearance when looking to meet someone, supposedly for a “long-term” relationship. Yes, these people state that they are looking to meet someone with whom they can grow old. Yet what they are really looking for is someone they find very attractive today.

So they ignore personality characteristics, similar values, etc., and look for a person who at this point in their life just “knocks their socks off.” Subsequently, when they find such a person, they ignore everything else, and believe in their heart of hearts that they have finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. After all, that is what happens in the movies.

Many times I listened to feedback from guys after first dates raving about what a great “match” they had just met. What made her such a terrific match? “She was absolutely breathtaking,” they would exclaim. And what about her personality? “Yeah, it seemed OK.” I have written all of this before in many columns over the past 4½ years. I have written about men who get their dating clues from watching gorgeous women parade before them on television commercials or in Victoria Secret catalogs. Then there are women whose dating priorities began to evolve when they were little girls watching the handsome Prince Charming sweep away Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty in their favorite Disney animated feature.

I have written about men who refuse to date a woman because she weighs 10 pounds more than the ideal or women who reject a man because he is two inches shorter than her preference. I have also written about the fact that the infatuation phase of any relationship has a shelf life far shorter than the number of years it takes to grow old with somebody.

So what happens when the initial physical infatuation for such people wears off, whether it is weeks, months, or years after the wedding? If they still want to stay together, perhaps because of the children or for financial reasons, then their eyes will begin to wander …; and inevitably one or both will cheat.

I am not talking about all couples, but I am talking about those couples who based their initial relationship primarily on physical attraction. Any man who tells his dating service counselor to focus only on physical appearance when finding him matches (and I heard many men make that statement), is a guy very likely to cheat down the road.

The same holds true for a woman who skims through her online dating service matches just looking for her tall, dark, and handsome “Prince Charming.” As for Tiger Woods, all his life he probably lusted after beautiful, Scandinavian-looking blondes with classic beauty, and he eventually found one. His wife, the Swedish Elin Nordegren, is the personification of such a gorgeous woman.

Of course I would guess that many gorgeous women who, when young, used their beauty to snare wealthy, successful men may be the victims of a philandering hubby even more than “normal” looking women. It is likely that such men tended to overlook undesirable personality traits when they first wed, and when the infatuation period began to fade, these guys’ eyes began to wonder.

I have often heard the quip “show me a man who has been married to a beautiful blonde for many years, and I will show you a man who lusts after gorgeous brunettes.” (Although Tiger seems to stick with blondes.) I have no way of knowing how Tiger felt about Elin’s personality, her values, her interests, her political views, etc., when he first met her. But I would suspect he couldn’t care less the moment he set eyes on her. Elin fit the image that he was looking for, and for a perfectionist like Tiger that was probably all it took for him to eventually propose.

Yet supposedly he was cheating on her even before they were married!

So, show me a couple who claim it was “love at first sight,” and then got hitched just a few weeks or months later, and I will show you a husband and or wife likely to eventually cheat.

Are there exceptions? Of course. But I would suggest they are about as rare as a double bogey by Tiger Woods during the final round of the Masters.

Source: seacoastline.com

By Hazel Davis

You love a good knees-up - but HE hates socializing and just wants to stay in and read a book. Can your relationship survive the party season?

‘We’re having a Christmas bash at our house,’ says a new friend. ‘Lovely,’ I say, ‘I’ll be there.’ ‘It will be great to finally meet your other half,’ she says, and my heart sinks. Oh dear, it’s one of Those Parties. Parties where you have to take your partner. My brain works fast to engineer an excuse. ‘Well we couldn’t really stay long as there are no trains that late and one of us has to be there for the dogs,’ I say.

It’s a familiar pattern. I make a new pal, we get on like a house on fire, they ask us round to dinner and I start rolling out the pathetic excuses. And during party season it’s even worse.

Anti social partner: Does the idea of going to a party or out for dinner fill your other half with dread?

It’s not that I’m ashamed of my partner, far from it. He is kind, generous, funny and thoughtful. He makes lovely food, walks the dogs and cleans up after himself. To all intents and purposes he’s the ideal man. But when it comes to socializing, we couldn’t be more unsuitably matched.

The idea of going to a party or out to dinner in a group for him is about as enjoyable as eating a pair of shoes. In fact he’d probably agree to the latter so long as it was in his own house and he’d cooked them himself.

It’s the same even on special occasions. Earlier this year, a couple of days before my birthday, I had a dinner, just a small celebration in a Leeds restaurant with some friends and their other halves.

It was such a lovely evening, with presents, cards, cake and a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday. My partner? He was at home, reading a book. ‘Where’s Bob?’ my friends enquired. ‘Oh he was working too late to get the train in,’ I said, one of my usual standard lines. ‘Could he not meet us later for a drink?’ came the usual helpful response. Gulp.

Bob, meanwhile, is bewildered by everyone’s need to include him in such parties. ‘Just tell people I don’t like socializing,’ he says. It’s always been like this. When we met at university 13 years ago, I knew my guy was a loner. He was smiley and pleasant but he wasn’t what anyone would describe as a ‘people person’. If you saw him around campus he’d be the one in a hat, sitting under a tree reading a book.

Work parties are a no-no: ‘Every year he is invited, every year he declines. I have never met his colleagues’

During our courtship he told me about the best day of his life, when he was 17 years old, working in a hotel in Derbyshire and he woke up at 7am started reading a book and finished at 7pm without speaking to a soul all day.

Meanwhile, I adore meeting new people. I thrive on it. The prospect of a room full of new folk, all of them potential new friends, is positively thrilling. The idea of going out in a large group, sharing an activity with them or even going on holiday - I can think of nothing better. I make friends easily and I go to the opening of an envelope.

And so it continued into our relationship. When we graduated (he very nearly didn’t go to his own graduation and had to be persuaded) and he found his dream job working with a wholefoods co-operative, I moved 250 miles to the county he grew up in, expecting that I would make new friends. But he hadn’t kept in touch with anyone from school (’why would I do that?’) and he sure as hell didn’t want to socialize with anyone from his new workplace (’they’re my colleagues, not my friends’).

So I made my own entertainment. I joined a local choir and started a masters degree, gathering friends along the way. My new friends would occasionally pop over for coffee and then they’d drop the bombshell that perhaps we’d like to go to a party they were having that weekend.

And then the excuses would start. Bob and I would argue initially and I would stay home or we’d ‘compromise’. Which usually meant us not going at all. Eventually, at the end of my tether, I began going on my own, hooking up with single friends or taking along a platonic ‘date’ instead.

I developed a whole other sociable life away from him. So now, together we go to the cinema and to concerts and out for dinner and we have a lovely time at home. We play Scrabble and we read together. Essentially anything that doesn’t involve Other People. And without him, I go to parties, for meals, to festivals and weddings.

Socially mismatched: ‘The idea of going to a party or out to dinner in a group for him is about as enjoyable as eating a pair of shoes’

Ah, weddings. When we hit our late 20s, old friends inevitably started to get married. Cue an excruciating few years of awkwardness, leaving early and - on occasion - downright lies to avoid going. ‘I just don’t understand why they need me there,’ he’d say, ‘you go on your own if you care that much.’

On the few occasions I have managed to drag him along to a wedding (usually by use of emotional blackmail or the promise of not staying too long), the whole experience has been so traumatic that I return determined not to bother next time.

As a naturally sociable animal my instinct is to flit around talking to new people, but every time I look over he’s sitting looking dumbstruck or bored and I feel obliged to rescue him.

Or, worse, his awkwardness renders me unable to speak to people because I fear introducing him and him having nothing to say, so we stand in the corner talking to each other.

I recently came under some criticism from my family for not staying long enough at a large family party started at midday and continued into the small hours. We arrived late afternoon and left around 7pm. When we left the party I had nearly cried with pride that we’d made it at all.

When my relatives later complained we hadn’t stayed so long I wanted to jump up and down and scream about how they were blooming lucky we came at all, so much effort had I put into getting us there in the first place.

Bob’s defense is clear and logical and makes complete sense as he explains himself. ‘I don’t like talking in groups,’ he says. ‘You either end up listening to a loudmouth or it becomes a butting-in game and not a conversation.’

Weddings are objectionable because, ‘they are forced jollity and an ostentatious display of money’. They are, he says, ‘a complete waste of a day and you’re usually there to make up the numbers and make people feel popular.’

He doesn’t like restaurants because ‘If you go out to a restaurant you’re bombarded with canned music and blather and noise and you can’t hear people properly,’ and, he adds, ‘I don’t like drunks and I don’t like shouting at people in loud bars.’

He was apparently like this as a child, always preferring books to people. What’s surprising is that most people think he’s shy but he’s actually very self-assured. As he says, he just doesn’t enjoy socializing and he prefers the thoughts in his head to those of other people, and always has.

When I complain that sometimes you just have to put up with things for the sake of friendship he counters with, ‘OK, then, well make them all come out on a 20-mile walk.’ How can I argue?

Work parties are a no-no, of course. Every year he is invited, every year he declines. I have never met his colleagues, apart from in town by accident or when I have collected him from work.

Last year his work had their annual Christmas lunch and he waited until it was over until going down to eat because ‘the crackers and extra plates got in the way of my newspaper.’

His argument against going to the work Christmas party is that it would spoil his working relationships. While most of us gladly grab the opportunity to get sozzled and make inappropriate suggestions to our colleagues, my partner finds the whole idea tiresome.

‘What I really value is a decent professional relationship with people,’ he explains. ‘In order to preserve a good professional relationship, I want to keep the personal relationship on the lowest possible burner.’

Compromise? ‘I began going on my own, hooking up with single friends or taking along a platonic ‘date’ instead’

He gets on well with his colleagues and he is well liked but to explain his unwillingness to socialize with them outside of work he produces the following laborious explanation.

‘I see them for 40 hours a week. I have around 80 hours a week when I am not sleeping. Forty hours of that are spent at work, ten hours are spent traveling to work. With the remaining hours, why on earth would I want to extend my working week?’

What do his friends think of this? Well, I think you can guess what I’ll say to that. While I make friends left, right and center, my partner’s unsociability does make the idea of having friends difficult.

There are a chosen few (mainly my friends and their partners) who have doggedly hung on and who are now tolerated at the homestead dinner table without struggle but they know better than to issue an invitation to a party or expect us to attend a dinner party together.

We met up for a rare coffee with a good male friend of mine some months ago and while there Bob passed on some books that he thought my friend would like. A week or so later my friend broke the cardinal rule and texted him to say how much he was enjoying one of them.

You’d have thought he’d asked to borrow £1,000. ‘Why did he need to text me?’ came the response, ‘why can’t he just read the books?’ adding, ‘I just don’t understand why he would want to waste his and my time sending me a text saying something we both already know.’

But- you know - I have spent 12 years trying to change him, trying to make him into a party animal (or at the very least a party-goer) and finally I think I might have given up.

When I rock in at 2am, party-hat on sideways, the worse for wear on pink fizz and he’s there, book in hand, with a cup of milky coffee and a kind word, I know things could be worse, far worse.

Source: dailymail.co.uk

By Jessica Walker

Segment 4

Jessica: Please give our members examples of the information that should be withheld from a dating profile or a social networking profile, information that a criminal could use against them.

Linda: When you are first meeting and getting to know someone online you want to share what you care about, and not much about who or where you are.

Maintain anonymity to protect your identity. Don’t include your full name, phone number, where you work, financial status, or detailed location information in your profile or during early communications with potential dates. Stop communicating with anyone who presses you for this type of information.

Use the e-mail system provided by the dating service rather than your own e-mail address to maintain your privacy.

Be smart about choosing profile pictures and learn how to share photos safely. Make sure your photos reflect what you want to say about yourself. Provocative pictures may attract the wrong people. Make sure that your images do not contain identifying information.

Set your search criteria to filter out anyone with behaviors you may not want to deal with, and check to see if a potential date has a good reputation among other daters on the service.

Be cautious about sharing emotional vulnerabilities. It is very easy for criminals to play to emotions to gain undeserved trust, or to tell a sad story to gain your sympathies. Use a friend as a sanity check – if the story sounds like a stretch to them it probably is.

Note any inconsistencies in what they say about themselves. Periodically reviewing exchanges you’ve had with a critical eye is healthy. This is a real advantage with the Internet, because it IS written down, not something fuzzy in your memory.

Jessica: Safer Dates recently partnered with your company ReputationShare and added a gauge to our member profiles that track online behaviors.  How can our members get the most out of this feature?

Linda: You deserve to experience the Web, and the people you meet through the Web, on your own terms. I was super pleased to learn how much Safer Dates is dedicated to providing as safe an environment as they can, AND how much they respect their users. ReputationShare does two key things for Safer Dates users.

First, it helps the service identify and manage rogue users because, like credit bureaus, ReputationShare literally shares people’s online reputations across participating sites.  If someone has been abusing other Dating sites or their members, Safer Dates can see that information even as the person is registering and take appropriate steps. That said, unlike credit bureaus, the ReputationShare service does not receive or store any information about who the user is. Consumers privacy is extremely important to us. Users stay entirely anonymous, but both positive and negative behaviors associated with their email alias are collected. Of course, we have advanced algorithms to identify email accounts being gamed. Learn more about ReputationShare on www.reputationshare.net.

Second, it gives users the ability to make more informed choices about who they choose to interact with.

Segment four question:  Name four things you should withhold from your dating profile. To submit your answer, click on the contact link found on the upper left side of the blog.

August 15, 2009

By: AnnaLaura Brown

Source: examiner.com

Have you thought about how to use social media as a dating tool? There are many people who are already doing it and why not? I just returned a few days ago from my candle business convention and while I was there I met a couple who met online via a social networking site for NASCAR fans and the woman who was already in the business recruited her husband and then they got married a while after that. So not only did she use it as a dating tool but also as a business building tool.

If you are single and in business for yourself, you could try this too.  This article about Facebook as a dating tool, offers some advice about how to take advantage of social media to date.

In addition, here are a few things to think about when using social media as a dating medium.

1. Who do you want to date? and by this, I don’t just mean the sex or age of the people. You need to decide what qualities, and characteristics you are looking for in people.

2. Where will you be most likely to find these people? Facebook can be a good choice but it is only one of your options.

3. Are you comfortable with the idea? Using social media for dating means that you will get some requests from people with whom you would rather not have a relationship so you have to make sure that this will not bother you.

4. Are you prepared to undergo the stress and hassles involved with long-distance relationships? This is important since you will probably not necessarily be able to always connect with and date online people only in your local area.

5. Do you have a safety plan for when you do decide to date someone and to meet them in person so as to avoid any problems that might arise?

Using social media as a dating tool is not right for everyone but it may be an option for some.

August 5, 2009

By: Noreen Panizzoli

Source: examiner.com

Statistics show that American’s are waiting until much later in life then they did just ten years ago to pursue a love relationship. With more and more people seeing the need to get a college education and have a sure footing in their careers before finding love, why should they consider using online dating services instead of depending on the traditional dating scene? The answer is that using every available option to find love is the best way, but online dating has some specific advantages.

All about the Numbers

The vast number of people you can check out cannot be beat. It would take hours of effort to connect with a handful of people at a club, but minutes with a mouse and Internet connection to see hundreds of potential matches. Your search is not limited to people in your local area but anywhere in the world.

Time Savers

The amount of time you will save in meeting people online is well worth the effort. Connections can be made through e-mail or chat rooms in a matter of minutes; while in real life, you would need to spend a considerable amount of time with each person at a café or coffee house. An added time-saving benefit is the ability to search the dating site at any time of day or night, seven days a week. Why waste precious time when at a glance you can weed out people who don’t spark your romantic interest?

Deal-breakers at a Glance

Online dating allows you to express more of what makes you ‘you’ upfront, your likes and dislikes, religious beliefs, cultural background, ethnicity and personality traits, in your online dating profile. On the other hand, you can be more direct about the type of person you’re hoping to connect with and eliminate time spent with someone who has issues or traits that are deal-breakers. Getting this type of sensitive information in the traditional way would probably take several dates.

The Cost of Dating

How does traditional dating compare to online dating in the money you will spend? Well, there is just no comparison - online dating comes out way ahead. The monthly membership fee doesn’t come anywhere near what it would cost in travel, dinner and drinks for a traditional date, multiplied by the number of dates you would need to have before finding your soul mate. One month’s membership costs less than a night on the town and gives you hundreds of chances to meet your perfect mate – every night!

The bottom line is that using an Internet dating service in conjunction with any real life dating situation that may arise will increase your chances of finding the ‘right’ person and save time and money.

July 11, 2009

By Tomi Tuel

Source: Examiner.com

So you’re out of the gates and dating again. You’ve been out of the dating scene for ages and are clueless about the rules. What are the boundaries and who’s writing the manual anyway? You need to know.

General rules for the re-entry dater…

The general rules for divorce etiquette and “re-entry” dating are like the general rules in life. They are the unwritten codes of conduct that most of us understand, but don’t always abide. For example, if you are feeling fat, don’t talk about how fat you are around someone who is fatter. That sort of thing. We all understand that you don’t wear your slippers to the bus stop or around town, for that matter. You don’t walk up to someone’s front yard and start picking fruit off their trees; you don’t pick your nose or pop a zit while in traffic, and you don’t name your kid “Obama.”

Knowing the dating rules are one thing, applying them is another. Trust me when I say, you can do this. You can! You are a divorce warrior and it is just a date. Besides you are lookin’ hotter than ever! So before you talk yourself out of it, here are a few pointers for that uncomfortable first date all us new recruits have experienced.

Rule #1: What You Should Wear
The general rule is to act your age and dress age appropriately. If you need some help, just comb through a clothing store catalog for some ideas. Go to a department store and see what’s on display. Ask for help. Sales associates love a dating mission. Polish your shoes, and bring breath mints. For men, trim all probing facial hair and unibrows. Pull out the tweezers, for goodness sakes. Ladies too! Now go and have fun!

Rule #2: The First Date Should Not Last Longer than Two Meals
A general rule is that the first date should not exceed the length of 2 meals. You can pick which meals, but I recommend starting with just coffee. This date is commonly called the “Meet and Greet” date. It is short and sweet, and if you hit it off, it could turn into lunch. And if the date isn’t going anywhere, you can save your money and get on with your day. It is just safer that way.

Rule #3: Always Have a Plan “B”

By Jessica Walker

The main reason why I accepted the position as columnist for the Safer Dates Blog was to help showcase why Safer Dates exists and to be a reliable resource that empowers the online community to defend against becoming a victim of crime.  Becoming cognizant of various safety tools is more important now than ever before due to the recent recession boasting an increase in various types of theft on and off-line.  Which is why I choose to interview Tad Camp (Safer Dates professional Online Safety & Security Expert) for my second article, “Don’t Become Lax for Criminals Come from Many Directions”.  Scroll down to read it now.

Tad has an extensive background as a highly trained former Law Enforcement Officer and Detective.  Before relocating to Florida, Tad previously served as Acting Chief of Police in Ohio.  While serving the citizens of Pinellas County Florida, he was elected to the American Police Hall of Fame.

Tad entered the private sector in 2005, after an on-duty injury caused him to no longer physically perform his duties.  Instead of retiring, this juggernaut started Tad Camp Investigations, Inc. which has provided services for celebrities, foreign dignitaries, worldwide religious organizations, and various corporations.  His wealth of knowledge in security investigations earned him the reputation as one of the best known and respected individuals in his field.

Tad has also channeled this expertise into an entrepreneurial endeavor by inventing the True Tracker Pro GPS personal security device.  The device has an SOS button that sends alerts via email or phone to three friends or family members.  The alerts are continuously transmitted every 15 seconds to ten minutes (depending on the service plan) and tells them your exact location.  To learn more about the True Tracker please visit  www.truetrackerpro.com.

Also, don’t miss the second Safer Dates safety video.Watch as I reenact a real life scenario submitted by a member that was recently a victim of a potential home intruder.  With advice from Tad Camp, I’ll walk you through the steps that you can take to help secure your home.

Until next month, here’s to keeping you Safer in the City!

- Jessica

Next month get dating advice from my interview with Yvonne Rice, a former Dating Agency Director, online dating expert and Author of Love Sex Lies and the Internet Mouse “Trap”.

Jessica: Tell us about your background; what did you do before you went into business for yourself?

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