By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

by Gregory Boyce

Over the last week the world has been fairly saturated and tuned-in with golfing legend Tiger Woods’ admission to committing transgressions against his wife and family. Tiger Wood’s once stellar image that made him enormously rich in terms of commercial appeal, is now slightly tarnished. As most of the world rhetorically asks, “how could a man who appeared to have it all, act so foolishly and put at risk the people who meant the most to him, meaning his wife and kids”? we must remember that money, fame and power will corrupt a large percentage of individuals who are willing to trade their morals for a chance to fullfil their hidden fantasies. If you don’t believe me ask any Senator or member of Congress.

Now for the rest of us mortal men and women who are not financially in a position to have gold diggers find us attractive, we still have to ask, “why do 75 percent of married men cheat on their wives”?  And why are a growing number of wives cheating on their husbands? I’ve done a little research and this article discusses how infidelity can creep into a married couple’s life and take root. Cheating is not always about having the money to entice a person to sleep with you, it’s about lust and fullfiling fantasies, it’s a complicated issue but definitely worth a look at should you currently be “walking the line” of infidelity.

Statistics state that seventy-five percent of all married men in the United States are unfaithful to their wives. Of the men who cheat, statistics state that two-thirds of their wives are unaware of the affairs that their husbands are having. I guess that in today’s society, a good man really is hard to find.

Guess what America? Men aren’t alone when it comes to infidelity. Wives are also cheating on their husbands more than ever. Let’s take a look at some of the common causes of cheating, and let’s see how they can be avoided:

LACK OF SEXUAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Per marriage counselors, if you and your spouse have stopped being intimate with each other, or if you have drastically decreased the frequency of your intimacy, then your personal relationship is going to suffer.

Sex is an integral part of a marriage. It is a way to share something with each other that is personal and loving, and the connection that you share during sex creates a deeper connection between the two of you that extends to all areas of your life.

Although it can be difficult for many couples to find the time in their busy schedules, juggling work and family and household chores, it is important to make intimacy a priority, even if that means scheduling time for it. If you are too tired at the end of the day to have sex, get up for an early lovemaking session, or slip away for some private time together on a Saturday afternoon.

Maintain excitement between the two of you by integrating foreplay into your everyday lives. Call your husband at work, and tell him how eager you are to be with him tonight. Leave a naughty note in your wife’s car before she leaves for work. Wear lingerie sometimes, rather than just flopping into bed in your sweatpants and t-shirt. Light candles burn incense. Hold hands. Keep the romance alive! When you have been with someone for many years, sometimes you forget that it is the little things that make the biggest difference.

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Married couples develop a silent form of communication between one another, but you can’t eliminate verbal communication from a relationship altogether. Couples who co-exist as if they were roommates are at risk for losing the friendship side of their relationship.

Talk to your spouse about your day; make it a dinner-time ritual. After dinner, don’t park in front of the television. Find the joy of just sitting together; sharing your thoughts and innermost feelings. Unless you have consistent communication, you will grow further apart, and turn into strangers. You will long for an emotionally intimate relationship, and that is why many married people stray from their mate.

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Sexual addiction is one of the worst afflictions that a married person can possess. Someone with a sexual addiction craves different sexual partners and lots of sex, and it can be as hard an addiction to conquer as drinking or drug use. Sexual addiction can be hard to understand and very hard to forgive because when someone cheats on you, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.

If you or your spouse has a sexual addiction, then you should seek professional help. If you have a partner with sexual addiction who refuses treatment, then you should leave the relationship to avoid the inevitable devastation you would encounter with a sexual addict for a spouse.

MID-LIFE CRISIS AFFAIRS

The severity of a mid-life crisis varies from person to person. Many struggle to come to grips with their own mortality, and they want to make sure that they get the most out of their life experience. Some men buy a fast sports car, some women rush out for plastic surgery, and some men and women stray from their relationships, often looking for a younger sexual partner to add some spice to their life.

If you notice that your partner is struggling to come to terms with aging, then you have to be a comfort to them.

Remind them how much you love them, and be willing to be adventurous together. Instead of dreading aging, embrace and enjoy it together. You might consider traveling together, or getting involved in a new hobby, such as bicycling. If you or your spouse is having a severely hard time with growing older, then seek professional counseling that will help with that phobia.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES

Major shifts in lifestyle can add stress to a marriage. It could be a new job that requires very long hours and has a very stressful set of responsibilities. It could be moving to a new home in a new city or town. It could be the birth of a child, or the death of a family member, or it could be an unforeseen financial disaster.

When our lives drastically change, we have to make adjustments in our marriages to accommodate the changes. Communicate with your spouse; share your concerns with each other. Try to change and deal with change together so that your relationship is actually strengthened by stresses in the long run. If you start leading entirely separate lives, then you are more likely to enter into an affair.

As always Louisianans, the Examiner.Com is interested in what you think.  (1) Has Tiger Woods learned his lesson? (2) Do you believe that 75% of married men cheat or have cheated on their wives? And (3) do you believe that married women are more likely to cheat for affection than for money? Inquiring minds want to know.

Source: Examiner.com

Is he truly incapable of putting down the toilet seat? Can he really have passionate sex and not even think about calling you again? We go exploring for answers

By Carol Mithers

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

The more science learns about how men are different from us (right down to the structure of their brains), the more we find ourselves hoping it will finally explain some age-old mysteries. For instance:

Why do men keep their cars spotless but live like pigs at home—while for women it’s the other way around?

According to Simon Baron-Cohen, Ph.D., author of The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth About Autism, men’s neurological wiring tends to make them better at systems, while women are superiorly rigged for empathy. Which could help explain why — although the culture is changing — guys still take such pride in their machines, while women often care more about maintaining a clean home.

Another clue comes from a 2007 study (conducted for BMW by a British team that included Oxford psychologists), which found that male drivers actually view their cars as extensions of themselves. Women, whose self-image is tied more directly to their bodies, are likely to think of their vehicles as separate entities, the authors suggest. But because men are less tuned-in to their bodies, they easily project their identity onto an object. If only that object were a sink full of dirty dishes.

Why do men like to watch violent sports, while a good number of women would rather do almost anything else?

The truth is, football has a lot of female fans (44.3 million women watched the 2009 Super Bowl, for example). But guys are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren’t. Men tend to be more aggressive, says Lucy L. Brown, Ph.D., a professor in the departments of neurology and neuroscience at Einstein College of Medicine in New York City. The difference likely involves hormones (like testosterone) and sensitivities to those hormones in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus — which, in animals, is associated with aggression. Fine, but does he really have to shriek “Kill him!” when the other team’s quarterback is about to get sacked? Yes, he does: If you’re a guy, watching your team win increases testosterone levels, according to a 1998 study in Physiology & Behavior. Viewing combative sports also helps men identify with traditional ideals of masculinity like domination, risk taking, and competition, explains Douglas Hartmann, PhD, associate professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota. “In fact,” he says, “the less physically competitive his daily life is, the more sports can become a means toward achieving those ideals, at least in his mind.”

Why can a man enthusiastically (very enthusiastically) sleep with a woman he knows he’ll never see again?

Well, there’s the old Evolution Did It theory: Men are hardwired to spread their seed; women, to find a mate who will protect the children she may bear. Physical differences may play a role, too. According to Lisa Diamond, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, not only do female rats have more extensive brain circuits for oxytocin — which helps mammals to bond — than males but in humans, women show greater release of the neurochemical during sex (especially orgasm) than men.

Also, biological anthropologist and Rutgers University professor Helen Fisher, Ph.D., notes: “The two brain hemispheres are less well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be very goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once, and to connect sex and love much more rapidly.” Interesting, plausible theories all, but Lucy Brown cautions that we’re still really just guessing. And in the end, the fact that men forever remain a bit of a mystery may be part of what keeps us intrigued.