Sexually Attracted or Just Friends?

By Jessica Walker

One of our readers asked how he could avoid being “The Friend” and start being “The Boyfriend.”  Well, I have to confess that I’ve used the “friend” line a time or two or three.  I’ve even had that line used on me at the end of a relationship. So, I took a couple days to think back on my past relationships, trying to come up with ways that I could have avoided that situation.  I researched advice articles posted by men on how to avoid The Friend Zone or The Friend Trap.  These articles advise men to play hard to get instead of being so forth coming.  I kind of agree with that because I personally like a challenge.  But if that approach does not come natural to you already then you may come off looking like a jerk and end up ruining everything by trying to be someone you’re not.  In the end your so called “friend” qualities will surface.

So after days of racking my brain, and for a blonde that seems like a lifetime, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s flat out unavoidable.  Here’s why.  Every time I used that line it was because I was not sexually attracted to the person.  But, I did enjoy their company otherwise I would have told them it was over and that was it.  Which I recall saying that as well on a couple occasions. It is near impossible to be sexually attractive to everyone you date.  That’s what dating is all about; you win some you lose some.  Sometimes people get it right on the first try but for the rest of us it takes time to find the right person. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Let’s look at it from another angle.  If that person wants to truly be your friend than you both may be better off that way.  One of my best friends in the whole world is a guy who I told that I just wanted to be friends.  And you know what his reply was to that… I’ll never forget it, “I’d rather be your friend then not have you in my life.”  It actually worked out to our advantage because all through high school and college we called each other when we had questions about our partners.  Now does that guy sound like he was trapped?  I’ll let you decide.

As for the others I supposedly trapped in The Friend Zone, I’ve bumped into them on Facebook and they are all happily married with kids.  I’d say they escaped the trap as well.

My advice to the reader that posted the question and to everyone else is stop trying to avoid it and just keep dating; have fun and most of all be yourself at all times.  You will eventually find that special someone and in the meantime you may also be so lucky as to find your very own phone a friend.  My wish for you all is that you find a friend like I have, because we have happily spent 15 years trapped in The Friend Zone.

- Jessica

By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

By Tom Blake

When older singles date new people, one of the most important precautions they should follow is to trust their instincts. If they sense something isn’t right about the new person, there is a strong chance they’re right.

But when people are lonely and want to be in a relationship and loved, they tend to downplay those instincts by viewing potential partners through rose-colored glasses.

Susie, an educated woman with a successful career, says she did just that. At 55, she met a man, 62, on Yahoo Personals. However, she learned that his listed name was not his true name and that his age was 66.

However, one can’t blame Susie for initially being impressed. She said: “He is well-educated (except he can’t spell), charming and writes e-mails that are like love letters. He says he has a nice home and a yacht in Florida. He states he is a partner in two corporations – one in entertainment and one in construction. He treated me well, spent time getting to know my family and even went to church with me. We made a lot of plans for the future together.”

When Susie saw red flags at the beginning of the relationship, she still elected to proceed, albeit cautiously. But not cautiously enough, as she explained:

“The first time I let my guard down, he made his move. I had something at my house that had been broken for a long time and he knew someone who could fix it. I was going out of town on a business trip and this was the only time he could come fix my problem (should have been a huge red flag). I left him my house keys. This was the first time I had let him have access to my house.

“When I got back from my business trip, I checked my bank account online and saw three checks written that I did not recognize. I called my bank and figured out what was going on.”

The man she had been dating had stolen her checkbook.

She called police. “While the policeman was at my house, I called the man and told him I knew what he had done and if he ever stepped foot on my property, I would have him arrested,” Susie said. “I never told him I filed a police report, because I did not want him to run. That night I had all the locks changed on my house.”

Susie said most everything he told her was untrue. He didn’t have a car or a job. Immediately after Susie ended the relationship, he was back on Yahoo Personals.

Susie didn’t hear anything from the police; she figured nothing would happen because it was a small crime.

She continued: “About 1½ years later, I got a letter from the district attorney. The man had been arrested and was sentenced to three years in prison and four years’ probation. He only served 1½ years and was supposed to start making restitution to me three months after he got out. I haven’t seen any of the money and don’t care. The amount was not great; my bank put the money back in my account because they should not have cashed the checks.”

Susie talked about the psychological effects: “It hurts to realize that I did not mean anything to him. I have been very embarrassed and angry at myself. Although the amount of money was not great, you cannot put a price tag on the hurt and suffering this man caused me.”

Lessons learned from Susie’s story:

• A background check may have saved Susie from this ordeal.

• It’s easy to blame the Internet. But what happened in Susie’s case happened after they were together in person.

• When legally violated, file a police report.

• Check your bank and credit-card statements often.

• Pay attention to red flags; trust your instincts. Don’t allow loneliness to cloud your thinking.

Women beware: This Internet-dating ex-con will strike again.

Source: The Orange County Register

Read on as these women recall the times when Cupid’s arrow pointed straight toward disaster.

By Ashley Womble

Dream Date Disaster
A new guy surprised me by planning the perfect Valentine’s Day date: a romantic dinner followed by fireworks show on the beach. Everything was great until the check arrived. He asked me, “Should we split it or do you just want to pay for your meal?” After dinner we took a walk on the pier. He bumped into a girl, who was obviously his ex-girlfriend, and after talking and laughing for about 20 minutes without including me he finally said, “Oh sorry, this is my friend, Kat.” We broke up the next day. —Katrina, 19

Shot in the Heart
I had a crush on a close guy friend during college, so I was really excited when he asked me to come over to watch a movie on V-Day. I arrived at his dorm room with a handwritten poem that confessed how much I liked him. After I read it, he said, “That’s nice,” and promptly started the movie, Reservoir Dogs. It was clear by the first gunshot that romance was not on his mind. I was heartbroken and had to watch a gruesome, violent movie with no chance of cuddling with my crush. —Ashley, 28

On Thin Ice
I bought my boyfriend tickets to the Columbus Blue Jackets hockey game for Valentine’s Day. During a break in the game, my guy spontaneously grabbed and kissed me! I pulled away, because I was so shocked, and that’s when he pointed to the JumboTron screen. We had been on the “Kiss Cam,” and everyone in the arena had seen my snotty pull-away and embarrassed reaction. —Tina, 20

Ex Hits the Spot
After secretly dating two guys — Dan and Joe — for a few months, I told Joe I didn’t want a relationship, so that I could get serious with Dan. On Valentine’s Day, Dan took me out to dinner, and I almost choked on my drink when our waiter arrived. It was Joe! To make matters worse, Dan ordered a dish with béchamel sauce, which he loved. He gushed to the waiter, a.k.a. my ex, “If she could cook like this I’d marry her.” I wanted to die. —Cristina, 26

Honestly, Abe?
After a long dry spell, I was psyched to finally have a new guy in my life so we could spend Valentine’s Day together. Call me corny, but I was hoping I’d get flowers or chocolate — you know, what every girl wants! Instead, he gave me an old Abe Lincoln bobblehead that looked like it came from the bottom of his closet. I honestly didn’t even know what to say, so I just mumbled “thank you.” After a few more bad dates, I pulled off Abe’s head, and kicked that boy to the curb. —Adrienne, 17

Slacker Surprise
I decided to have a low-key Valentine’s Day with my live-in boyfriend. I had a feeling he was going to surprise me by making a special dinner or sending flowers. I didn’t talk to him all day, so I was really excited to see what he’d planned when I got home from work. I walked in the door to find him sitting in front of the TV in sweatpants. He gave me the lamest card I’ve ever seen and then asked, “What do you want to order for dinner?” I was shocked that to him low-key meant nothing at all. —Ali, 24

Party Foul
My boyfriend Matt and I didn’t have any special plans for V-Day, so he decided to have a few friends over for an impromptu get-together. I was a little pissed that he invited Krista, a girl I suspected had a thing for him. I played it cool until later that night, when he admitted that he had cheated on me with her a few months before. When I confronted her she denied it, but later I heard her ask Matt, “Why did you tell her?!” After a big blowout, I left the party and Krista spent the night with my guy! —Ciara, 18

Thief in the Night
The guy I’d been dating, Clay, was totally MIA on Valentine’s Day. At first I was worried, but after not hearing from him all day I started to get pissed. That night I got a call from the county jail, asking me to accept a collect call from … Clay! He had stolen his parents’ brand-new car and they reported it to the police. Even though I have a thing for bad boys, I broke up with that loser the next day. —Rachel, 22

Double Trouble
One Valentine’s Day, I planned an elaborate meal for my boyfriend. He acted really awkward during dinner, and when I gave him a gift he said, “Oh, I don’t have your gift. Can I give it to you tomorrow?” I found out later that he was dating another girl and had already celebrated V-Day with her earlier that evening! —Tiffani, 33

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

Too much emphasis placed on appearance
By Steve Penner

In a recent article published in USA Today, Todd Shackleford, a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, who has been studying infidelity for more than 20 years, states that people with low scores on personality tests that measure conscientiousness and high scores on openness to experience also are likely to cheat.

But Shackleford adds that especially for men, opportunity is also a major factor, as the temptation for successful guys with lots of money and whose careers cause them to travel away from home and who have women throwing themselves at them, will be far more likely to stray.

I am reminded of a comment that good old Samantha uttered on “Sex and the City,” “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their (privates), because they can.” But in this column, titled “The Truth about Dating,” I want to focus on another reason that men and women eventually cheat on their spouses. I am not merely talking about celebrities, but everyday people. That factor is the overemphasis that both sexes (but especially men) place on physical appearance when they start dating.

I have written this before, but I cannot emphasize this fact enough. Both at the dating service that I ran for 23 years and through subsequent coaching of singles who sign up forInternet dating sites, I have seen too many people place far too much emphasis on physical appearance.

Unfortunately, so many people who play the dating game minimize all other factors except appearance when looking to meet someone, supposedly for a “long-term” relationship. Yes, these people state that they are looking to meet someone with whom they can grow old. Yet what they are really looking for is someone they find very attractive today.

So they ignore personality characteristics, similar values, etc., and look for a person who at this point in their life just “knocks their socks off.” Subsequently, when they find such a person, they ignore everything else, and believe in their heart of hearts that they have finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. After all, that is what happens in the movies.

Many times I listened to feedback from guys after first dates raving about what a great “match” they had just met. What made her such a terrific match? “She was absolutely breathtaking,” they would exclaim. And what about her personality? “Yeah, it seemed OK.” I have written all of this before in many columns over the past 4½ years. I have written about men who get their dating clues from watching gorgeous women parade before them on television commercials or in Victoria Secret catalogs. Then there are women whose dating priorities began to evolve when they were little girls watching the handsome Prince Charming sweep away Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty in their favorite Disney animated feature.

I have written about men who refuse to date a woman because she weighs 10 pounds more than the ideal or women who reject a man because he is two inches shorter than her preference. I have also written about the fact that the infatuation phase of any relationship has a shelf life far shorter than the number of years it takes to grow old with somebody.

So what happens when the initial physical infatuation for such people wears off, whether it is weeks, months, or years after the wedding? If they still want to stay together, perhaps because of the children or for financial reasons, then their eyes will begin to wander …; and inevitably one or both will cheat.

I am not talking about all couples, but I am talking about those couples who based their initial relationship primarily on physical attraction. Any man who tells his dating service counselor to focus only on physical appearance when finding him matches (and I heard many men make that statement), is a guy very likely to cheat down the road.

The same holds true for a woman who skims through her online dating service matches just looking for her tall, dark, and handsome “Prince Charming.” As for Tiger Woods, all his life he probably lusted after beautiful, Scandinavian-looking blondes with classic beauty, and he eventually found one. His wife, the Swedish Elin Nordegren, is the personification of such a gorgeous woman.

Of course I would guess that many gorgeous women who, when young, used their beauty to snare wealthy, successful men may be the victims of a philandering hubby even more than “normal” looking women. It is likely that such men tended to overlook undesirable personality traits when they first wed, and when the infatuation period began to fade, these guys’ eyes began to wonder.

I have often heard the quip “show me a man who has been married to a beautiful blonde for many years, and I will show you a man who lusts after gorgeous brunettes.” (Although Tiger seems to stick with blondes.) I have no way of knowing how Tiger felt about Elin’s personality, her values, her interests, her political views, etc., when he first met her. But I would suspect he couldn’t care less the moment he set eyes on her. Elin fit the image that he was looking for, and for a perfectionist like Tiger that was probably all it took for him to eventually propose.

Yet supposedly he was cheating on her even before they were married!

So, show me a couple who claim it was “love at first sight,” and then got hitched just a few weeks or months later, and I will show you a husband and or wife likely to eventually cheat.

Are there exceptions? Of course. But I would suggest they are about as rare as a double bogey by Tiger Woods during the final round of the Masters.

Source: seacoastline.com

By Hazel Davis

You love a good knees-up - but HE hates socializing and just wants to stay in and read a book. Can your relationship survive the party season?

‘We’re having a Christmas bash at our house,’ says a new friend. ‘Lovely,’ I say, ‘I’ll be there.’ ‘It will be great to finally meet your other half,’ she says, and my heart sinks. Oh dear, it’s one of Those Parties. Parties where you have to take your partner. My brain works fast to engineer an excuse. ‘Well we couldn’t really stay long as there are no trains that late and one of us has to be there for the dogs,’ I say.

It’s a familiar pattern. I make a new pal, we get on like a house on fire, they ask us round to dinner and I start rolling out the pathetic excuses. And during party season it’s even worse.

Anti social partner: Does the idea of going to a party or out for dinner fill your other half with dread?

It’s not that I’m ashamed of my partner, far from it. He is kind, generous, funny and thoughtful. He makes lovely food, walks the dogs and cleans up after himself. To all intents and purposes he’s the ideal man. But when it comes to socializing, we couldn’t be more unsuitably matched.

The idea of going to a party or out to dinner in a group for him is about as enjoyable as eating a pair of shoes. In fact he’d probably agree to the latter so long as it was in his own house and he’d cooked them himself.

It’s the same even on special occasions. Earlier this year, a couple of days before my birthday, I had a dinner, just a small celebration in a Leeds restaurant with some friends and their other halves.

It was such a lovely evening, with presents, cards, cake and a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday. My partner? He was at home, reading a book. ‘Where’s Bob?’ my friends enquired. ‘Oh he was working too late to get the train in,’ I said, one of my usual standard lines. ‘Could he not meet us later for a drink?’ came the usual helpful response. Gulp.

Bob, meanwhile, is bewildered by everyone’s need to include him in such parties. ‘Just tell people I don’t like socializing,’ he says. It’s always been like this. When we met at university 13 years ago, I knew my guy was a loner. He was smiley and pleasant but he wasn’t what anyone would describe as a ‘people person’. If you saw him around campus he’d be the one in a hat, sitting under a tree reading a book.

Work parties are a no-no: ‘Every year he is invited, every year he declines. I have never met his colleagues’

During our courtship he told me about the best day of his life, when he was 17 years old, working in a hotel in Derbyshire and he woke up at 7am started reading a book and finished at 7pm without speaking to a soul all day.

Meanwhile, I adore meeting new people. I thrive on it. The prospect of a room full of new folk, all of them potential new friends, is positively thrilling. The idea of going out in a large group, sharing an activity with them or even going on holiday - I can think of nothing better. I make friends easily and I go to the opening of an envelope.

And so it continued into our relationship. When we graduated (he very nearly didn’t go to his own graduation and had to be persuaded) and he found his dream job working with a wholefoods co-operative, I moved 250 miles to the county he grew up in, expecting that I would make new friends. But he hadn’t kept in touch with anyone from school (’why would I do that?’) and he sure as hell didn’t want to socialize with anyone from his new workplace (’they’re my colleagues, not my friends’).

So I made my own entertainment. I joined a local choir and started a masters degree, gathering friends along the way. My new friends would occasionally pop over for coffee and then they’d drop the bombshell that perhaps we’d like to go to a party they were having that weekend.

And then the excuses would start. Bob and I would argue initially and I would stay home or we’d ‘compromise’. Which usually meant us not going at all. Eventually, at the end of my tether, I began going on my own, hooking up with single friends or taking along a platonic ‘date’ instead.

I developed a whole other sociable life away from him. So now, together we go to the cinema and to concerts and out for dinner and we have a lovely time at home. We play Scrabble and we read together. Essentially anything that doesn’t involve Other People. And without him, I go to parties, for meals, to festivals and weddings.

Socially mismatched: ‘The idea of going to a party or out to dinner in a group for him is about as enjoyable as eating a pair of shoes’

Ah, weddings. When we hit our late 20s, old friends inevitably started to get married. Cue an excruciating few years of awkwardness, leaving early and - on occasion - downright lies to avoid going. ‘I just don’t understand why they need me there,’ he’d say, ‘you go on your own if you care that much.’

On the few occasions I have managed to drag him along to a wedding (usually by use of emotional blackmail or the promise of not staying too long), the whole experience has been so traumatic that I return determined not to bother next time.

As a naturally sociable animal my instinct is to flit around talking to new people, but every time I look over he’s sitting looking dumbstruck or bored and I feel obliged to rescue him.

Or, worse, his awkwardness renders me unable to speak to people because I fear introducing him and him having nothing to say, so we stand in the corner talking to each other.

I recently came under some criticism from my family for not staying long enough at a large family party started at midday and continued into the small hours. We arrived late afternoon and left around 7pm. When we left the party I had nearly cried with pride that we’d made it at all.

When my relatives later complained we hadn’t stayed so long I wanted to jump up and down and scream about how they were blooming lucky we came at all, so much effort had I put into getting us there in the first place.

Bob’s defense is clear and logical and makes complete sense as he explains himself. ‘I don’t like talking in groups,’ he says. ‘You either end up listening to a loudmouth or it becomes a butting-in game and not a conversation.’

Weddings are objectionable because, ‘they are forced jollity and an ostentatious display of money’. They are, he says, ‘a complete waste of a day and you’re usually there to make up the numbers and make people feel popular.’

He doesn’t like restaurants because ‘If you go out to a restaurant you’re bombarded with canned music and blather and noise and you can’t hear people properly,’ and, he adds, ‘I don’t like drunks and I don’t like shouting at people in loud bars.’

He was apparently like this as a child, always preferring books to people. What’s surprising is that most people think he’s shy but he’s actually very self-assured. As he says, he just doesn’t enjoy socializing and he prefers the thoughts in his head to those of other people, and always has.

When I complain that sometimes you just have to put up with things for the sake of friendship he counters with, ‘OK, then, well make them all come out on a 20-mile walk.’ How can I argue?

Work parties are a no-no, of course. Every year he is invited, every year he declines. I have never met his colleagues, apart from in town by accident or when I have collected him from work.

Last year his work had their annual Christmas lunch and he waited until it was over until going down to eat because ‘the crackers and extra plates got in the way of my newspaper.’

His argument against going to the work Christmas party is that it would spoil his working relationships. While most of us gladly grab the opportunity to get sozzled and make inappropriate suggestions to our colleagues, my partner finds the whole idea tiresome.

‘What I really value is a decent professional relationship with people,’ he explains. ‘In order to preserve a good professional relationship, I want to keep the personal relationship on the lowest possible burner.’

Compromise? ‘I began going on my own, hooking up with single friends or taking along a platonic ‘date’ instead’

He gets on well with his colleagues and he is well liked but to explain his unwillingness to socialize with them outside of work he produces the following laborious explanation.

‘I see them for 40 hours a week. I have around 80 hours a week when I am not sleeping. Forty hours of that are spent at work, ten hours are spent traveling to work. With the remaining hours, why on earth would I want to extend my working week?’

What do his friends think of this? Well, I think you can guess what I’ll say to that. While I make friends left, right and center, my partner’s unsociability does make the idea of having friends difficult.

There are a chosen few (mainly my friends and their partners) who have doggedly hung on and who are now tolerated at the homestead dinner table without struggle but they know better than to issue an invitation to a party or expect us to attend a dinner party together.

We met up for a rare coffee with a good male friend of mine some months ago and while there Bob passed on some books that he thought my friend would like. A week or so later my friend broke the cardinal rule and texted him to say how much he was enjoying one of them.

You’d have thought he’d asked to borrow £1,000. ‘Why did he need to text me?’ came the response, ‘why can’t he just read the books?’ adding, ‘I just don’t understand why he would want to waste his and my time sending me a text saying something we both already know.’

But- you know - I have spent 12 years trying to change him, trying to make him into a party animal (or at the very least a party-goer) and finally I think I might have given up.

When I rock in at 2am, party-hat on sideways, the worse for wear on pink fizz and he’s there, book in hand, with a cup of milky coffee and a kind word, I know things could be worse, far worse.

Source: dailymail.co.uk

Technological gains may render one person extinct in adultery: The blindsided dupe

By Monica Hesse
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Cheating scenario, 1989:

There were errant signs. Like the times you phoned the office and it rang and rang (”I was in the conference room,” he said), like the matchbooks from places with names like the Candlelight Inn, where you’d never been. There were always plausible explanations. Work lunches! Work trips! Work lipstick! You wondered if you were crazy. There was so much wondering. Months, maybe years of uncertainty.

Cheating scenario, 2009:

I found your text messages, Jerk boy. Pack your bags.

* * *

There are so many questions about Tiger Woods’s reported affairs. (A cocktail waitress? Really? Have you seen his wife? And who knew Swedes could get so angry?!) But perhaps what’s most vexing is related to the saucy missives waitress Jaimee Grubbs claims were sent to her by the professional golfer.

Specifically: What kind of nitwit celebrity would still leave an e-trail?

Did he not learn from Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.), whose affair was apparently discovered because of a text message? Was he not convinced by the career annihilation of Kwame Kilpatrick after the revelation of naughty notes between the former Detroit mayor and his chief of staff? If only Woods had watched a recent episode of “Glee” — Quinn catches Puck sexting — he would have realized the technology that enables you can also destroy you.

This raises a question: In an age of iPhones, TMZ and standard-issue personal GPS devices, is technology killing the affair?

Here’s a potentially apocryphal anecdote, submitted via e-mail to game forum GoNintendo.com: The e-mailer, a soldier, came back from Iraq and settled down to play some Nintendo Wii. He found an unfamiliar avatar lurking in his console. It was the Mii created by his wife’s lover.

Schadenfreude-by-Google, as related in a column written by a London attorney: His client was apparently tooling around on the Google Maps Street View option and looked up a friend’s house. Parked outside was her husband’s Range Rover, identifiable by its custom rims. He was supposed to be on a business trip.

We’re not talking the end of cheating altogether. There will forever be opportunities for hook-ups in bars or incidents of ex-sex. The social scientists who research infidelity say that the Internet is good for adultery. Sites such as cheating portal AshleyMadison.com have made it easier than ever to find some sleazy person whose interests include long walks on the beach and home-wrecking.

And yet maybe technology is doing in the long-term dupe, the dangerous liaison where no one gets caught and no one pays.

Everyone pays these days, Tiger. Everyone pays.

“The first thing my partner and I said,” Mike Russell says. “We said, ‘Wait, he’s got all that money and he doesn’t have a bat phone?’ ” — the secret cell kept just for booty calls.

Russell is a private investigator in Alexandria. He uncovers cheating, or verifies what the wronged parties usually already know. “I just finished talking to a lady a few hours ago,” Russell says. “She sees 300 texts going to the same number on her husband’s phone, she knows what’s happening.”

Because the cheaters never have a bat phone. They never seem to realize how nakedly traceable their actions are. (It’s like sex tapes. Post-Paris Hilton, post-Eric Dane, post-Carrie Prejean, why do people still make sex tapes? Have they never heard of YouTube? Do they think they still have zones of privacy? Ha ha ha, that’s cute.)

But those who try to go bat phone, who try to be smart about their duplicity, still get tripped up in the end. Tasha Cunningham is the founder of DontDateHimGirl.com, a site on which women share their bad-relationship stories and talk about how they totally caught the cheating snakes disguised as boyfriends.

In one of Cunningham’s favorite stories from the site, a guy thought he was being crafty by creating a secret Facebook profile in addition to the one his significant other knew about. He used it to amass dozens of friends, most of them pretty women. Unfortunately, one of those friends turned out to also be a friend of his lady’s. “Or maybe it was a friend of a friend,” Cunningham says. “Often, it’s a friend of a friend,” but what’s the distinction, really? Do degrees of separation even exist anymore, when everyone is connected with everyone else?

“It’s amazing, the people we find are cheating because of their Facebook photos,” says Ed Hruneni, president of the Private Investigators Association of Virginia. “Or . . . we’ll go with Twitter stuff. The wife might be wondering, was he at work on Friday night?” and meanwhile there’s the phone number she’s noticed her husband calling all the time.

Hruneni can find a name to go with that phone number, and within minutes he has subscribed to a Twitter feed. It’ll say something like ” ‘I was with Bulldog on Friday night, and boy did we stay out late.’ There are no photos.” There’s no full name, but then we go back to the wife, and what was her husband’s nickname? Oh, it’s Bulldog? Hunh.

And what about “GPS trackers. We can stick them on cars, real time, and know where you are. . . . we can find passwords you deleted seven years ago,” and do everything legally, Hruneni says.

Let’s ring up Sandy Ain, one of the District’s most prominent divorce attorneys, and ask him how many of his adultery cases involve technology.

“It’s the majority,” Ain says.

And how many involve cheaters being caught by their own technology?

“It’s very often.”

Isn’t it so typical of the way we engage with technology? Always thinking of the benefits, of the way we could tappa-tappa notes to mistresses while sitting innocently next to the girlfriend — never thinking of the times when we’re in the shower and the girlfriend might glance at the BlackBerry.

UR busted.

Source: washingtonpost.com

Having trouble meeting a new guy, especially in a small town? “Sex and the City” writer and “O, The Oprah Magazine” columnist Cindy Chupack is here to help. Here’s a hint: Be the New Girl.

By Cindy Chupack from “O, The Oprah Magazine”

Q: If Carrie Bradshaw had trouble finding sex in the big city, imagine my trouble finding a man in Reno! The men I meet are washed-up high school Hall of Famers or your typical dog with nothing but sex on the brain. I’m in a rut. The right guy is out there. Why is it so hard to find him?
— Jacqui, Nevada

A: First of all, Carrie had a roomful of writers making sure she always had a man (or at least a funny story about why she didn’t have a man), so like single women everywhere, you’re at a slight disadvantage being nonfictional.

Given that you don’t have anybody brainstorming love interests for Season 6 of The Jacqui Show, I think you’re doing pretty well. After all, a has-been is better than a never-was, and men who are interested only in sex are preferable to men who are interested only in, say, Doritos. But I get it: You’re hoping there are other options.

Let’s talk about the problem of meeting men in your city (a favorite national pastime for single women). Reno is a gambling mecca, and gambling requires more losers than winners, but after you’ve been dating a decade or two, any city can feel like it has more losers than winners.

You know who does meet Mr. Right? The New Girl. I’m sure you’re familiar with this phenomenon. You’ve lived someplace for years, you’re feeling very “been there, done him,” then a female friend moves to town and before you can say, “This is where I get my hair cut,” she’s been on four dates and collected seven party invitations. She’s not better than you. She’s just newer. So that’s what you need to do, Jacqui: Be the New Girl.

I’m not saying you have to move, although moving certainly shakes things up. But you could also act as if you’ve moved and get the same results, no Bubble Wrap required.

I had a single friend who moved to Los Angeles from New York, and since she didn’t know many people, she decided to say yes to every invitation. That’s how she ended up on a bus to Pioneertown with a bunch of folks dressed as pirates. There are so many reasons to say no to that offer (”We’re going by bus?”), but my friend not only had a surprisingly good time; she firmly established herself as game, and more invitations (requiring no peg leg or parrot) came pouring in. Within months of her arrival, she had great prospects and great stories.

I had another friend who moved to Los Angeles for three months while on leave from a high-stress consulting job. After filling her time with volunteer work, daily beach runs, and watercolor classes, she exuded such a happy, healthy openness, she met men in line for coffee! Her final night she had two first date offers, and the one she accepted led to a permanent move to Los Angeles, marriage, and three kids.

Thinking about these women, I realized you don’t have to be new in town to act new in town. You just have to try new things. Check out local concerts and farmers’ markets. Find a new route to work, a new coffee place. Say yes to every invitation. And don’t do things to meet men; do things that intrigue, delight, or challenge you. Take singing lessons, flower arranging, salsa dancing, trapeze, French. Be the New Girl in a photography class, a running club, a Habitat for Humanity build. A new kind of guy might be attracted to the New Girl you become, but more important, you might love the New You. And that’s sexy in any city.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

Two Marie Claire writers weigh in with male and female perspectives on whether or not they feel a woman who brings home the bacon is a good or a bad thing.

By Diana Vilibert and Abraham Lloyd

Source: Lifestyle.msn.com

She Said: I grew up in a single-parent home with my mother who, by default, was (and remains) the breadwinner. She went on to date and marry, and in every relationship, she brought home the bacon and fried it up, with no complaints from the lucky men she was with. For me, the breadwinner wife “trend” (according to the New York Times) is just the norm.

That’s not to say that I’m ignorant to the fact that some men would have a problem with it. Money is not just money, after all, and to many it represents success, power, and strength … all qualities that, I must add, are not exclusively male ones. Am I being naive? Perhaps. But I’m not sure I’d want to date someone who would squirm uncomfortably every time I brought home a paycheck. I want someone who celebrates all of my successes, monetary ones included.

When I asked a select few ex-boyfriends for their opinion, they enthusiastically agreed that it’s completely acceptable for women to be breadwinners. Granted, their answers were perhaps a bit self-serving considering my streak of dating not-exactly-employed struggling musicians, but even my most alpha-male breadwinning ex, when questioned, asked, “Where can I find one?”

Like the New York Times article pointed out, the unemployment rate for men is 10 percent, compared to 7.6 percent for women, so whether it’s “okay” or not, reality is in favor of women as breadwinners. Now is not the time to let ego get in the way of paying rent and putting food on the table.

He Said: Let me start by stating that I am about to reveal one of the dirty little secrets men have and lie about constantly. The reality is that it takes an exceptionally confident and self-assured man to be comfortable with a woman being the breadwinner in a relationship. As a gender we don’t admit this. “Of course!” we say. “I wish my wife was so that I could stay home,” we boast. “How great would it be to not have to work?” we ponder smugly, as if having a partner who lived up to this would solve all our problems. But most of us who say these things are lying through our collective grinning teeth.

The truth is that, while most men are attracted to women with power (and money is a vehicle for power), we do not want powerful women for partners. The idea of a woman who desires, earns, and achieves more is scary. Most men simply do not want to compete with their partners for power. Our partners can earn, do, and achieve slightly more than us and we’re fine with it. It’s a fun and friendly competition, and it helps keep us honest and focused. If, however, you eclipse us to the point that we can’t out-earn or success you, we’ll lose interest faster than you can say “corner office.”

For those of you who watched Sex and the City, remember Steve breaking up with Miranda because she wanted to buy him an expensive suit for an event at her law firm? He said, “No way. I’ll start to think of you like my mother … You need to be with someone more on your level.” Now, I realize this is horribly unfair. The reality, though, is that most men would rather reach down than up economically. It’s safer, less stressful, more comfortable, and ultimately sad.

This is why it takes an exceptional man to be in a relationship with a breadwinner. Exceptional men don’t measure themselves solely against their partner’s income or success. They measure themselves by knowing who they are, understanding the difference they make in their partner’s life, and by celebrating their partner’s success instead of being jealous of it.

By Jessica Walker

Segment 4

Jessica: Please give our members examples of the information that should be withheld from a dating profile or a social networking profile, information that a criminal could use against them.

Linda: When you are first meeting and getting to know someone online you want to share what you care about, and not much about who or where you are.

Maintain anonymity to protect your identity. Don’t include your full name, phone number, where you work, financial status, or detailed location information in your profile or during early communications with potential dates. Stop communicating with anyone who presses you for this type of information.

Use the e-mail system provided by the dating service rather than your own e-mail address to maintain your privacy.

Be smart about choosing profile pictures and learn how to share photos safely. Make sure your photos reflect what you want to say about yourself. Provocative pictures may attract the wrong people. Make sure that your images do not contain identifying information.

Set your search criteria to filter out anyone with behaviors you may not want to deal with, and check to see if a potential date has a good reputation among other daters on the service.

Be cautious about sharing emotional vulnerabilities. It is very easy for criminals to play to emotions to gain undeserved trust, or to tell a sad story to gain your sympathies. Use a friend as a sanity check – if the story sounds like a stretch to them it probably is.

Note any inconsistencies in what they say about themselves. Periodically reviewing exchanges you’ve had with a critical eye is healthy. This is a real advantage with the Internet, because it IS written down, not something fuzzy in your memory.

Jessica: Safer Dates recently partnered with your company ReputationShare and added a gauge to our member profiles that track online behaviors.  How can our members get the most out of this feature?

Linda: You deserve to experience the Web, and the people you meet through the Web, on your own terms. I was super pleased to learn how much Safer Dates is dedicated to providing as safe an environment as they can, AND how much they respect their users. ReputationShare does two key things for Safer Dates users.

First, it helps the service identify and manage rogue users because, like credit bureaus, ReputationShare literally shares people’s online reputations across participating sites.  If someone has been abusing other Dating sites or their members, Safer Dates can see that information even as the person is registering and take appropriate steps. That said, unlike credit bureaus, the ReputationShare service does not receive or store any information about who the user is. Consumers privacy is extremely important to us. Users stay entirely anonymous, but both positive and negative behaviors associated with their email alias are collected. Of course, we have advanced algorithms to identify email accounts being gamed. Learn more about ReputationShare on www.reputationshare.net.

Second, it gives users the ability to make more informed choices about who they choose to interact with.

Segment four question:  Name four things you should withhold from your dating profile. To submit your answer, click on the contact link found on the upper left side of the blog.