By: Living it Up / Carolin Vesely

Remember when your relationship was fresh and exciting and you and your beloved couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Just seeing him or her was enough to set your heart aflutter and give you butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie calls that feeling the “squoogies,” and if you haven’t had it for a long time, you’re not alone.

Modern life, with its endless distractions and to-do lists, has a way of pushing passion so far down the priority list that eventually it becomes just another thing to get done — if it makes the list at all.

“In my practice, I hear it over and over again from clients who say they’re just going through the motions, that their relationship isn’t as fulfilling as it once was,” says Thomasina Charney, a life coach living in rural Manitoba.

So Charney, a busy mom who also runs Rossman Yurts & Retreats with her husband, decided to do something to help couples bring the squoogies back.

The Valentine Weekend Great Sex for Life retreat takes place Feb. 12-14 at Elkhorn Resort & Spa in Riding Mountain National Park. McGarvie will be co-facilitating the event, along with her life partner and co-therapist Blaik Spratt.

Winnipeg standup comic Dan Licoppe will break the ice Friday evening following a meet-and-greet chocolate fondue, and there’ll be a ’50s/’60s-style dance and social on Saturday night.

The rest of the time, it’s all about sex — everything from building intimacy to improving technique to “keeping it hot.”

“This workshop is about the best fun, funny, adrenaline kick-starting ideas to keep your relationship from slipping into the ho-hum, ‘Do we really have to, I have a headache,’ pattern,” says McGarvie, a syndicated radio and television sex-show host and author of Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe-Curling Orgasms and Lean and Lusty: The Libido Diet.

“Everyone wants to have that close relationship, to be that couple who hit their 60th anniversary still goosing each other and chasing each other around the cake, but the daily minutiae can make it really difficult.”

Never mind that men and women tend to have different ideas about intimacy — or at least how to get there.

“I try to explain to men why not doing the dishes can affect their sex life,” McGarvie says. “Because if you’re not feeling close to your partner, the last thing you want to do is have sex with them. And for men, that’s how they feel close.”

Any adrenaline-boosting activities that couples do together — paintball, whitewater rafting, etc. — will help them bond, she says, especially if it’s out of their comfort zone. The five things that great marriages have in common? Regular date nights, stopping the fight before it gets ugly, putting the other person’s needs first, sense of humour and inventive sex life.

Regarding the latter, McGarvie says it’s important that couples keep it hot with integrity.

“We’re not saying that you need leather and Crisco; it has to be suited to your relationship,” she says. “We call it being an ethical hedonist.”

As for the retreat, McGarvie says there are no lectures, and although it will be “very interactive,” it’s not group therapy — and no one will be put on the spot. Discussion topics will be determined by the results of a questionnaire that participants will fill out the first night.

“Maybe you’ll learn something, hopefully you’re going to feel closer,” she says. “I’m expecting you to bust a gut laughing and I’m expecting you to feel connected at the end of it — and that you did something for your relationship.”

(The anatomically correct puppets should help with the laughs.) continue reading

Source: Winnipeg Free Press

By Susan Seligson

Why should your sex life dry up when you reach middle age? Susan Seligson says hers just keeps on getting better

I came of age sexually at the start of the 1970s. These were the sexual salad days of a generation, in that rose-coloured window between the appearance of the pill and the onslaught of HIV.

I was 16 when I started college. Along with an Indian bedspread, a plug-in teapot and a copy of On the Road, the trappings of my new life included the pill, dispensed like candy at the local clinic. Abortions, too, were easily available. At the campus clinic, doctors and nurses treated nuisances such as crabs and genital warts without a trace of moral judgment.

And so we did it whenever, wherever, with whomever; the act’s justification rarely more compelling than a shared dance, or conking out after a party in a house in which the people happened to outnumber the beds.

With libidos fuelled by recreational drugs, beer or just youthful hormones in overdrive, we suffered few regrets and little guilt. Our limbs were supple, our skin was unmottled, our bellies were flat. Though my friends and I routinely poured our hearts out to each other on a range of matters, a constant refrain was, “So, how was the sex?”.

How was the sex? Not so good. I know this now, in middle age, because I and many of my peers are having the best sex of our lives. Really. In fact, people my age and older seem to fall into two distinct categories: those who crave sex, feel entitled to it and thrive on it, and those who couldn’t care less if they never did it again.

Above all, good sex requires confidence. And confidence comes with age. When I was 18, 19, 20, I was too shy to discuss my desires with boyfriends, never mind one-night stands. None of us wanted it to be slam-bam, but slam-bam it mostly was. We pored over the book Our Bodies, Ourselves and concurred that we should taste our own menstrual blood and contort ourselves in front of a mirror, speculum in hand, but we didn’t truly inhabit our bodies. Mostly, we obsessed about being fat, which, ironically, few of us actually were.

When it came to sex, I followed my partners’ lead. My sexual behaviour reflected my general cluelessness. I couldn’t count the times I would force a faux-satisfied murmur while some guy worked furiously on a spot miles away from any serious nerve endings. Now I have carnal GPS — turn there, stop here — and men are grateful and not at all shy about directing traffic themselves.

Good sex requires a well-honed sense of the ridiculous. This, too, comes from experiencing love, loss, parenthood and random infirmities since the summer of love. Though as youths we considered ourselves ground-breakingly ­hilarious, we steered clear of laughing at ourselves.

Then again, when we were young and lacked a sense of power and self-awareness, unfunny stuff happened and we let it happen. What grown woman doesn’t harbour icky memories of boys smashing our heads into their laps like cops stuffing suspects into the back of a police car? No 50-plus woman I know would put up with such nonsense. Among consenting, mature adults these antics are irrelevant.

As a widow who has dabbled in online dating, I have awakened to a world crowded with unattached, 50-plus men and women who aren’t merely looking for sex, but for great sex. I know single women my age who simply won’t abide bad sex. If their efforts to improve the situation aren’t successful, they move on, telling anyone who asks that the sex was lousy and, as such, unacceptable. So much for the stereo­type of the postmenopausal sexual retiree.

Women’s magazines are awash with prescriptions for reinvigorating, or reviving, marital sex in the waning years: light candles, wear seductive lingerie, unplug the phone, uncork the K-Y, pop the Viagra. That drug and its ilk may have fewer women tiptoeing around the delicate matter of erectile dysfunction. However, these recipes for romance don’t address a big problem: many women over 50 are ashamed of their naked bodies.

Yet it isn’t a regimen of Pilates or eating like an air fern that makes you feel sexy. Sex makes you feel sexy. Fewer mirrors, more laughter, I say. Of women who are self-conscious about their flab, I ask, have you seen a guy over 50 without a spare tyre, or at least an undisguisable paunch? I know a man who looks like he’s 12 months pregnant and he gets all the sex he wants. It’s because he adores women, he’s full of mischief and he has been around long enough to know that sex with a smart, confident, cellulite-covered woman in her sixties is much more fun than watching a bony Victoria’s Secret model mesmerised by her own reflection.

What a shame that marital sex can be so fraught, even burdensome, that many of us allow sex to recede until it withers and dies. Maybe because I’m unattached and count myself as one of those women who wants a man in her life but not in her house, these days I sometimes view sex as akin to a spa treatment.

It’s invigorating, it gives me an all-over glow and it makes me feel attractive. It leaves me feeling peaceful and whole. At 50 and beyond, good sex reminds us how miraculous our flawed bodies can be. And it helps that you’re not gnarling the bed sheets with an Olympian poster boy. I suppose we should also be grateful that our near vision is failing to the point where the unsightly is invisible.

There’s another reason sex after 50 can and should be the best sex of our lives: our keen awareness of our mortality. Schopenhauer declared sex to be the “greatest affirmation of life”. Think of how sexually charged life ­becomes in a war zone. In advancing age, we are in a war zone of sorts.

A voracious, unbridled bout of sex is the best hedge against death, and it’s recession-proof. If we can still move, sex can make us feel better. Mysterious aches and pains evaporate. We sleep better. Postcoital food somehow tastes better, and we can eat it with the guiltlessness of an athlete.

Not long ago, I read an ­article about sex in old-people’s homes. The news was, not only does it exist, it is fairly common, and not only among committed couples. I find the notion ­inspiring. Nice to know that if we use it, we don’t lose it. And it sure beats ­doing the hokey cokey in the day room.

Source: timesonline

By Ellen McCarthy

Robert Epstein believes that someday, in the not-too-distant future, many Americans will share his philosophy on relationships. And his philosophy is this: You can build love deliberately and choose whom to do it with.

All of this “falling” stuff, he thinks, will become passé.

Epstein is a psychologist and author whose previous research has focused largely on creativity and adolescence. He turned his attention to affairs of the heart after his first marriage ended in divorce. “It was personal,” he says. “I’ve certainly failed in relationships and in very much the typical American way, which makes it very frustrating — when you fail in a typical way.”

In 2002, when a young woman came in to interview for an internship and told him she’d never been in love, he had an idea: They set out to make her fall in love. The intern eventually backed out of the experiment, so Epstein decided to do it himself. After meeting a woman on a plane who agreed to be his partner in the endeavor, he began to employ strategies and behaviors that relationship experts have found increase feelings of intimacy: sharing vulnerabilities, touching each other affectionately and seeking adventures together.

The good news? They fell in love. The bad? It didn’t last. She was from Venezuela, and the logistics were too difficult to overcome.

Still, Epstein, former editor of Psychology Today, has been shaping his theory that love can be orchestrated ever since. It may sound strange to Western ears, he realizes. But Epstein’s come to think it’s the American way that’s really absurd when it comes to love: “We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after,” he wrote in a recent issue of Scientific American Mind. “The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates.”

To gain insights into another way of cultivating love, Epstein has begun to study arranged marriages. Some studies have found that over time the affection between partners in arranged marriages can surpass that of couples who chose each other because of love.

Epstein, 56 and remarried, taught a course at the University of California at San Diego last spring in which students could earn extra credit by employing affection-building exercises with friends and strangers after class. Almost all the students who tried the techniques — including trust falls, synchronized breathing and prolonged gazing — reported greater feelings of closeness with their partners. (The psychologist has sworn off talking about his own relationship, but he will say his wife sat in on several classes that semester.)

The seed Epstein is hoping to plant in people’s minds, through lectures and a book he’s writing, is that we may have greater control than we think over this wily thing called love.

And if that doesn’t sound particularly romantic?

“All I can say is there’s nothing romantic about failure,” Epstein answers.

Source: Washington Post

Too much emphasis placed on appearance
By Steve Penner

In a recent article published in USA Today, Todd Shackleford, a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, who has been studying infidelity for more than 20 years, states that people with low scores on personality tests that measure conscientiousness and high scores on openness to experience also are likely to cheat.

But Shackleford adds that especially for men, opportunity is also a major factor, as the temptation for successful guys with lots of money and whose careers cause them to travel away from home and who have women throwing themselves at them, will be far more likely to stray.

I am reminded of a comment that good old Samantha uttered on “Sex and the City,” “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their (privates), because they can.” But in this column, titled “The Truth about Dating,” I want to focus on another reason that men and women eventually cheat on their spouses. I am not merely talking about celebrities, but everyday people. That factor is the overemphasis that both sexes (but especially men) place on physical appearance when they start dating.

I have written this before, but I cannot emphasize this fact enough. Both at the dating service that I ran for 23 years and through subsequent coaching of singles who sign up forInternet dating sites, I have seen too many people place far too much emphasis on physical appearance.

Unfortunately, so many people who play the dating game minimize all other factors except appearance when looking to meet someone, supposedly for a “long-term” relationship. Yes, these people state that they are looking to meet someone with whom they can grow old. Yet what they are really looking for is someone they find very attractive today.

So they ignore personality characteristics, similar values, etc., and look for a person who at this point in their life just “knocks their socks off.” Subsequently, when they find such a person, they ignore everything else, and believe in their heart of hearts that they have finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. After all, that is what happens in the movies.

Many times I listened to feedback from guys after first dates raving about what a great “match” they had just met. What made her such a terrific match? “She was absolutely breathtaking,” they would exclaim. And what about her personality? “Yeah, it seemed OK.” I have written all of this before in many columns over the past 4½ years. I have written about men who get their dating clues from watching gorgeous women parade before them on television commercials or in Victoria Secret catalogs. Then there are women whose dating priorities began to evolve when they were little girls watching the handsome Prince Charming sweep away Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty in their favorite Disney animated feature.

I have written about men who refuse to date a woman because she weighs 10 pounds more than the ideal or women who reject a man because he is two inches shorter than her preference. I have also written about the fact that the infatuation phase of any relationship has a shelf life far shorter than the number of years it takes to grow old with somebody.

So what happens when the initial physical infatuation for such people wears off, whether it is weeks, months, or years after the wedding? If they still want to stay together, perhaps because of the children or for financial reasons, then their eyes will begin to wander …; and inevitably one or both will cheat.

I am not talking about all couples, but I am talking about those couples who based their initial relationship primarily on physical attraction. Any man who tells his dating service counselor to focus only on physical appearance when finding him matches (and I heard many men make that statement), is a guy very likely to cheat down the road.

The same holds true for a woman who skims through her online dating service matches just looking for her tall, dark, and handsome “Prince Charming.” As for Tiger Woods, all his life he probably lusted after beautiful, Scandinavian-looking blondes with classic beauty, and he eventually found one. His wife, the Swedish Elin Nordegren, is the personification of such a gorgeous woman.

Of course I would guess that many gorgeous women who, when young, used their beauty to snare wealthy, successful men may be the victims of a philandering hubby even more than “normal” looking women. It is likely that such men tended to overlook undesirable personality traits when they first wed, and when the infatuation period began to fade, these guys’ eyes began to wonder.

I have often heard the quip “show me a man who has been married to a beautiful blonde for many years, and I will show you a man who lusts after gorgeous brunettes.” (Although Tiger seems to stick with blondes.) I have no way of knowing how Tiger felt about Elin’s personality, her values, her interests, her political views, etc., when he first met her. But I would suspect he couldn’t care less the moment he set eyes on her. Elin fit the image that he was looking for, and for a perfectionist like Tiger that was probably all it took for him to eventually propose.

Yet supposedly he was cheating on her even before they were married!

So, show me a couple who claim it was “love at first sight,” and then got hitched just a few weeks or months later, and I will show you a husband and or wife likely to eventually cheat.

Are there exceptions? Of course. But I would suggest they are about as rare as a double bogey by Tiger Woods during the final round of the Masters.

Source: seacoastline.com

by Courtney Kerrigan

Course defines the ‘hook-up,’ other new relationship terms

“It’s complicated” - that’s the typical and oh-so-familiar phrase that many couples use to describe their relationships, or lack thereof.

But while both men and women search for a solution to the confusing terminology, the psychology department is offering a class in the spring that may provide some answers.

Sex and Romance in the 21st Century centers on the study of different relationships that occur today, said Manfred Van Dulmen, assistant professor and creator of the class.

The class is offered Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 to 11:15 a.m. in Bowman Hall and is worth three credit hours.

It not only focuses on marital and dating relationships, but also other experiences such as “hooking up” or “friends with benefits.”

“A number of courses at other universities teach around personal relationships and focus more on marital relationships,” Van Dulmen said. “What I wanted to do was have a course that expands beyond that and reflects the sort of broad array of experiences in relationships that people may have right now.”

Van Dulmen said he will discuss psychological theories and ideas that help students understand why people enter into certain relationships, both positive and negative.

“I think it will help students understand relationships that they may have or other people around them may have,” he said.

The class is open to anyone, as it’s not limited to psychology majors or upperclassmen.

He added that students interested in being psychologists or therapists in the future will benefit significantly from the class, as the coursework will help in dealing with relationships.

Students will also look at romantic experiences that may be linked to future romantic relationships, and how these experiences are rooted in past relationships with parents and friends.

“Until maybe 10 years ago, most people thought that adolescent romantic relationships were short lived - that people really saw it as something that happened in movies or novels, but not that it was a real thing with real implications,” Van Dulmen said.

The class stands as a lecture class, but Van Dulmen said there will be some guest speakers, video material from TV and movies and possible discussion with students, although the size of the class may reach 400 students.

“This is a topic I’m very excited about because I study this area,” Van Dulmen said. “I haven’t taught a course like this, and it’s one of the reasons I wanted to do this.”

Although Van Dulmen admits he has not taught undergraduate students in a few years, he has instructed graduate statistics courses in his six years at Kent State.

“We hope that this will be a course that will get some people excited about psychology or studying relationships.”

Source: kentnewsnet.com

by Gregory Boyce

Over the last week the world has been fairly saturated and tuned-in with golfing legend Tiger Woods’ admission to committing transgressions against his wife and family. Tiger Wood’s once stellar image that made him enormously rich in terms of commercial appeal, is now slightly tarnished. As most of the world rhetorically asks, “how could a man who appeared to have it all, act so foolishly and put at risk the people who meant the most to him, meaning his wife and kids”? we must remember that money, fame and power will corrupt a large percentage of individuals who are willing to trade their morals for a chance to fullfil their hidden fantasies. If you don’t believe me ask any Senator or member of Congress.

Now for the rest of us mortal men and women who are not financially in a position to have gold diggers find us attractive, we still have to ask, “why do 75 percent of married men cheat on their wives”?  And why are a growing number of wives cheating on their husbands? I’ve done a little research and this article discusses how infidelity can creep into a married couple’s life and take root. Cheating is not always about having the money to entice a person to sleep with you, it’s about lust and fullfiling fantasies, it’s a complicated issue but definitely worth a look at should you currently be “walking the line” of infidelity.

Statistics state that seventy-five percent of all married men in the United States are unfaithful to their wives. Of the men who cheat, statistics state that two-thirds of their wives are unaware of the affairs that their husbands are having. I guess that in today’s society, a good man really is hard to find.

Guess what America? Men aren’t alone when it comes to infidelity. Wives are also cheating on their husbands more than ever. Let’s take a look at some of the common causes of cheating, and let’s see how they can be avoided:

LACK OF SEXUAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Per marriage counselors, if you and your spouse have stopped being intimate with each other, or if you have drastically decreased the frequency of your intimacy, then your personal relationship is going to suffer.

Sex is an integral part of a marriage. It is a way to share something with each other that is personal and loving, and the connection that you share during sex creates a deeper connection between the two of you that extends to all areas of your life.

Although it can be difficult for many couples to find the time in their busy schedules, juggling work and family and household chores, it is important to make intimacy a priority, even if that means scheduling time for it. If you are too tired at the end of the day to have sex, get up for an early lovemaking session, or slip away for some private time together on a Saturday afternoon.

Maintain excitement between the two of you by integrating foreplay into your everyday lives. Call your husband at work, and tell him how eager you are to be with him tonight. Leave a naughty note in your wife’s car before she leaves for work. Wear lingerie sometimes, rather than just flopping into bed in your sweatpants and t-shirt. Light candles burn incense. Hold hands. Keep the romance alive! When you have been with someone for many years, sometimes you forget that it is the little things that make the biggest difference.

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Married couples develop a silent form of communication between one another, but you can’t eliminate verbal communication from a relationship altogether. Couples who co-exist as if they were roommates are at risk for losing the friendship side of their relationship.

Talk to your spouse about your day; make it a dinner-time ritual. After dinner, don’t park in front of the television. Find the joy of just sitting together; sharing your thoughts and innermost feelings. Unless you have consistent communication, you will grow further apart, and turn into strangers. You will long for an emotionally intimate relationship, and that is why many married people stray from their mate.

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Sexual addiction is one of the worst afflictions that a married person can possess. Someone with a sexual addiction craves different sexual partners and lots of sex, and it can be as hard an addiction to conquer as drinking or drug use. Sexual addiction can be hard to understand and very hard to forgive because when someone cheats on you, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.

If you or your spouse has a sexual addiction, then you should seek professional help. If you have a partner with sexual addiction who refuses treatment, then you should leave the relationship to avoid the inevitable devastation you would encounter with a sexual addict for a spouse.

MID-LIFE CRISIS AFFAIRS

The severity of a mid-life crisis varies from person to person. Many struggle to come to grips with their own mortality, and they want to make sure that they get the most out of their life experience. Some men buy a fast sports car, some women rush out for plastic surgery, and some men and women stray from their relationships, often looking for a younger sexual partner to add some spice to their life.

If you notice that your partner is struggling to come to terms with aging, then you have to be a comfort to them.

Remind them how much you love them, and be willing to be adventurous together. Instead of dreading aging, embrace and enjoy it together. You might consider traveling together, or getting involved in a new hobby, such as bicycling. If you or your spouse is having a severely hard time with growing older, then seek professional counseling that will help with that phobia.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES

Major shifts in lifestyle can add stress to a marriage. It could be a new job that requires very long hours and has a very stressful set of responsibilities. It could be moving to a new home in a new city or town. It could be the birth of a child, or the death of a family member, or it could be an unforeseen financial disaster.

When our lives drastically change, we have to make adjustments in our marriages to accommodate the changes. Communicate with your spouse; share your concerns with each other. Try to change and deal with change together so that your relationship is actually strengthened by stresses in the long run. If you start leading entirely separate lives, then you are more likely to enter into an affair.

As always Louisianans, the Examiner.Com is interested in what you think.  (1) Has Tiger Woods learned his lesson? (2) Do you believe that 75% of married men cheat or have cheated on their wives? And (3) do you believe that married women are more likely to cheat for affection than for money? Inquiring minds want to know.

Source: Examiner.com

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson, R.N., and Ted Hagen, Ph.D., McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Do you realize that over-giving can hurt your relationships with family and friends?

Doing too much for others can certainly wear you down. But, it can also weaken the bonding process between two people.

The give-and-take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens the relationship.

“I counsel men and women who are chronic people pleasers,” says a psychologist friend of ours we’ll call Dave.

“I coach these folks in how to speak up for their needs,” says Dave. “They have to learn that a spouse must be required to give. A child must be required to give. A friend must be required to give.”

Asking someone to help you run errands, clean the house, plan a party or scratch your back is a huge stretch for some people.

“Asking is crucial,” says Dave. “It tells the other person you have mutual dependency. It tells them you have a bond.”

Women, especially, have trouble asking for their needs to be met. Tradition has taught women to give much in relationships and expect little in return.

Consider a woman we’ll call Sandy. Sandy has been dating a man for seven years. Sandy cleans his house, watches his children on weekends, and pays some of his bills.

“This man,” says Sandy, “is leaving me.”

Sandy’s man has fallen for a woman at his church, it turns out.

Sandy gave too much for too long in the relationship.

For starters, Sandy did not create a true bond with the man she was dating. She gave so much of herself, she caused serious gaps in the bonding process.

Bonding for a male and female requires that each that each grows to rely on the other. This means emotional and physical reliance. By not setting standards for her own treatment, Sandy cheated her man of ways to bond with her.

A couple we know, whom we’ll call Connie and Jim, still argue after 12 years of marriage like young teenagers. Both of them stay totally frustrated. Connie is a champion over-giver in the relationship.

We advised Connie and Jim to do the following:

•Ask three things of each other daily. These should be small five-minute chores or errands. Doing for each other builds an understanding of each other’s needs.

Build friendships with three couples. Jim’s relatives visit Connie and Jack every single day. Instead, they need to bond with couples not related to them. Relatives coming over too much can wreck a marriage.

Discuss personal weaknesses. Jim is a perfectionist, so Connie is crippled in stating her anxieties or needs to Jim. Perfectionism is a form of abuse. Connie and Jim can’t bond if they don’t share personal vulnerabilities.

Another example of giving too much involves a man we’ll call Greg. Greg divorced his children’s mother five years ago.

“When my children visit, I try to make up for lost time,” says Greg. “I really spoil them. We see four movies in one weekend, and I let them buy tons of stuff.”

We advised Greg to stop giving so much. His children need unstructured time to just hang out with him. This can’t happen if they see four movies in two days.

The kids also need to do chores at Greg’s house. They need to know Greg depends on them for real input into his life. Greg is playing more of a Santa Claus role with his kids.

Children who have real roles to play in their families feel needed. While everyone wants to feel loved, we all bond with others who truly need us in their lives.

Source: orlandosentinel.com

By Colleen Leahey

Thanksgiving break is particularly glorious for college students. After several months of combating the small creatures living under their fridges, studying until their brains ache and surviving swine-related illnesses without Mom’s chicken noodle soup, they finally return home. Everyone looks forward to a day dedicated to turkey, mashed potatoes and embarrassing family stories. But there’s another something students smile about when thinking of Thanksgiving break: their holiday honey.

Yes, I am aware this term is absolutely absurd. The other day I made the mistake of referring to my roommate’s ex-squeeze as her holiday honey while she was sipping on a glass of water. She proceeded to spurt water everywhere while laughing hysterically. I, however, like the term. My mom began using it several years ago, when my older sister was a freshman in college. Every break (Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Winter, et cetera), Kelly and her high school boyfriend would rekindle their flame for several days, then let it fizzle when they returned to their respective schools.

During my freshman year, I followed in my sister’s footsteps. When home from school, I would cuddle and reminisce with an ex, forgetting the actual reason we broke up and enjoying a casual romance instead. This type of behavior is far from uncommon; student after student enjoys time spent with his or her special hometown friend. But the question is: Why? Does a holiday honey have something more appealing than your typical college crush?

Definitely. First of all, there are always old feelings involved with a high school ex. They knew you before you went to keggers and made out on the dance floor with several other partygoers in a night. They evoke a general innocence in you, a quality that can seem lost in the throes of chaotic college events. When with them, you’re reminded of corsages, ice cream dates and movies you never actually watched. Certainly, there are some high school memories you would like to forget — but overall, the nostalgia associated with an old flame is extremely comforting.

In addition to the comfort of old stories, there is also a sort of security associated with a holiday honey. He or she is your college safety net, gently catching you break after break. People constantly complain about the lack of sober, functional relationships during their years on the Hilltop, particularly as freshmen. With a college hook-up, you typically wake up each morning in his or her bed and must piece the previous night’s events together, hoping you didn’t do or say anything too embarrassing. With a holiday hook-up, you talk and catch up for hours, allowing a general coziness to overwhelm your being.

Also, the no-strings-attached situation is a definite plus. Some realistic couples understand the difficulties of a long-distance relationship, deciding to be together when at home and single when at school. They often have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, enjoying the time spent with one another rather than prying for all the juicy details of each other’s college love life.

Sometimes, however, there can be a bump in the road for hometown sweethearts. In said casual relationship, one party may want something more than the other. This, inevitably, is the issue with most holiday honeys. Upon hearing stories of their love’s best guy or girl friend from college, they turn a vibrant shade of green, envy enveloping them. Hoping not to lose their hometown security blanket, they try to rekindle their old romance into a full-fledged relationship. Usually, this is an epic failure.

Undoubtedly, some holiday honeys will become serious, realizing their true like, or maybe even love, for one another. However, it’s important to remember that this is not always the case. Most holiday honeys are just that; they hang out over breaks from school, then go about their separate business once back on their different campuses.

If a relationship is forced or not thought out, it tends to end in a rocky break-up, especially if you’re spending time with a high school ex. Before jumping into anything, try not to get caught up in the feel-good whirlwind of butterflies and giddiness, and recall the actual reason you are no longer dating this person and that they, in fact, are your EX. Chances are, you’ll realize this person can never be more than your holiday hook-up.

So, when you’re going out Wednesday night with all your friends, or opting instead to spend the evening in with your person of interest, it’s necessary to take it all with a grain of salt. Enjoy the time you spend with your special someone; bake cookies, hold hands, do whatever your mushy heart desires. Dreams of sugarplums and relationships may dance through your head, but remember to stay grounded. For the time being, this person is not your girlfriend or boyfriend, but simply your holiday honey. And, back at school, you’ll most likely have a lovely DFMO awaiting your return.

Source: the guide

BY JOHN DE MONTMOLLIN

Popular media create the notion of instant and romantic relationships. Even though we all know they don’t happen that quickly, most people hope for satisfying relationships in their lives.

A growing body of research describes the behaviors, skills and communication patterns that help people build and maintain healthy relationships. Based on this knowledge, University of Wisconsin-Extension is developing educational programs that help individuals and couples acquire more healthy relationship-building skills. Our goal is to provide education that can improve relationships, says Mary Novak, professor of family development.

No couple agrees on everything. Sometimes when things don’t seem to be going well in a relationship, we focus much of our time and attention on the problems. We may even see our partner as the problem, Novak says.

She offers some suggestions for a more positive approach. “I like to compare growing a healthy relationship to growing a healthy garden,” Novak says. “Both take planning, special care, cultivation and effort to reap a bountiful harvest.”

• Commit to making a sustained effort in your relationship. You may start out with great visions, but weeds, bad weather, pests and distractions can threaten your garden and your dreams. Committing regular time and energy to caring for your relationship is essential.
• Grow: Expand your own strengths. Successful gardeners must invest time in reflection and learning. Learning new strategies and ways to deal with things also expands the strengths we bring to our partnerships. Remember to appreciate your past, present and future.
• Nurture. Careful attention to plants’ well-being can produce a radiant garden — it doesn’t happen on its own. We may need to increase the support we give to each other and time spent together to help make a relationship flourish. Weeding out destructive thoughts and actions, and thinking peaceful thoughts prepares you to communicate in a healthy way.n Show some understanding. At times gardeners get sunburned or bitten by bugs. Rather than scolding your partner for not using sunscreen or being more careful, try a little compassion instead. Try doing nice things for each other, no matter how small.
• Appreciate your differences. Researchers have found that happy couples are willing to keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones. Couples may have very real differences that won’t simply disappear by talking about them — especially when anger and negativity pervade the discussion. Choose to stay calm, listen attentively, and try to understand your partner’s view.
• Serve: Give back to your community. When gardens are productive, it’s good to share the bounty with others. Working together as a couple to contribute to the community helps to strengthen a relationship. It requires finding a common purpose and a chance to bring important ideals to life.

It’s important to keep perspective through both the good and difficult times in your relationship. Some couples do have differences that cannot easily be resolved. Accepting the other person and learning to live with some of their differences can help you enjoy the bounty of the relationship, Novak says. John de Montmollin is Kenosha County University of Wisconsin-Extension assistant professor and youth and family educator.

Source: Kenosha News

Cosmo uncovers the secret body-language clues that reveal your guy’s deepest desires — almost instantly.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

By Beth Whiffen

Mention the words sharing and feelings in the same sentence and most guys — yes, even if they’re super comfortable with you — will run to the nearest sports bar, where they can avoid using modern language entirely. “Men are taught to stifle emotion, so they often have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings,” explains psychologist Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Men Could Talk.

But lucky for you, even if your guy won’t open up, his mug will give him away. “The face is considered the most expressive body part because its muscles are linked to the emotional centers in the brain,” says anthropologist David B. Givens, Ph.D., author of Love Signals. “The slightest shift in mood registers as a specific facial gesture, making it extremely difficult to conceal one’s true feelings.” Learn to decode these unconscious cues and you’ve got a window into his soul.

Here’s how to tell when…

1. He Needs Some Space
Maybe you brought up a sensitive subject or said something that ticked him off. It could even just be that the dude had a crummy day at work. But one thing is certain: When your guy turns his head to the right or left midconversation so you’re talking to him in profile, he’s in no mood to chat. “He’s using this head turn to increase the physical distance between the two of you without actually stepping backward and moving his entire body away from you,” says Givens. “In effect, what he’s doing is creating a silent barrier to shut you out and create a safe haven for himself.”

Handle-him help: His Lone Ranger stance may not have anything to do with you, but something has clearly upset him and the man needs some time alone. “Men require space in order to maintain their sense of independence, which is a central component to their identity,” says Gratch. “Often, they want to feel as though they’ve dealt with a particular issue on their own without any assistance from a significant other.”

Translation: Getting in his face will only serve to push him further away. So unless you want him to retreat to Siberia, do a disappearing act until he seems to be in a better mood … whether it’s for a few minutes or a couple of hours. “It may take the average guy 20 minutes to an hour to relax and fully process a situation; however, it’s crucial for you to allow him that time period to think,” says psychotherapist Jonathan Robinson, author of Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict.

Then when he does seem more like himself, approach him and say something like “What was going on before? You seemed kinda bummed.” Maybe he’ll spill his guts, but if not, let it go. As long as he’s not giving off any “I’m pissed at you” vibes, it was probably nothing anyway.

2. He’s Ready for Romance
Say you’re at a party or out at a bar with your guy and you notice that when you lock eyes with him, his peepers seem a little sleepy and droopy. No, he’s not ready for a nap, but he is ready for bed. “When people feel a strong sexual urge, they lapse into a more restful, dreamy state,” explains Givens, “which is why this expression is commonly referred to as bedroom eyes.”

Handle-him help: You already know he’s hot for you, so while you’re out in public, work him into a state of arousal with a little hands-off foreplay. “Whisper some sexy compliment, or lean in and blow lightly in his ear to stimulate the ultrasensitive area near his eardrum,” says sexologist Logan Levkoff. “Then go back to mingling with your friends as if nothing happened. This type of teasing will only heighten his anticipation.” Once you’re alone, make sure you follow through on those thrilling overtures you made … and throw in a few surprises.

3. He Has Something to Tell You
If you’re chatting with your man and you notice him pursing or puckering his lips several times in succession, take note. “This mouth motion shows that he’s trying to verbalize a thought,” says Givens. “When a person has something to say, the brain sends a message to the lips and tongue to start shaping the sentiment. You’re seeing his thought expressed before he even has a chance to come out with the words.” continue reading