Relationship Status

By Jessica Walker

As I was researching for this post, I was surprised at how important the “Relationship Status” has become on Facebook.  I honestly had no idea how critical this click was for a lot of people.  I guess I am confused because I primarily use Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family only.  It does not seem like a dating destination.  Besides, your close friends and family members should know your relationship status already and if they don’t then I would question why they are even on your connections or contacts list in the first place.

Now from a safety standpoint, I would avoid posting the following status options:

•    Single
•    Widowed
•    It’s Complicated
•    Swinger (MySpace option only)

Choosing any one of these status options is like throwing chum into the cyberland sea.  You may attract friendly fish but you’re also inviting predators as well.  Criminals swimming around lurking to feed on emotional carnage will be drawn to the Single status, It’s Complicated status and especially the Widowed status.  As for the Swinger status, that sounds to me like an invitation for a sketchy couple looking to rob you blind while the other keeps you occupied if you know what I mean.  If that’s your thing, please “tread” lightly.

My advice is focus your online dating interaction towards the sites that specialize in just dating and turn off your relationship status on sites like Facebook and MySpace.  If you’re worried about a missed opportunity, don’t sweat it!  If someone wants to know your status they can always send you a message through your profile page.  Which in turn gives you the opportunity to check them out before replying.

For those already in a relationship, I would also avoid the Relationship Status.  In my research, I read far too many stories of public humiliation due to someone changing their status before they had “the talk” with their partner or the bombardment of questions from concerned contacts once they noticed your status changed back to Single.  Check out this article where an ex-partner was harassed through Facebook to the point that a defamation suit was filed.

If your partner gets concerned because you’re not posting your status just simply tell them you are concerned with promoting too much of your personal life online.  I’m sure in this day and age they will understand.

Relationships are complicated enough.  So why layer in another element that could potentially cause you grief.  Let’s throw out the chum bucket and grab a good old fishing pole or two and cast our lines out into the online dating cyberland sea and score our next catch the safer way.

Until next time, here’s to keeping you Safer in the City!

- Jessica

By: Living it Up / Carolin Vesely

Remember when your relationship was fresh and exciting and you and your beloved couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Just seeing him or her was enough to set your heart aflutter and give you butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie calls that feeling the “squoogies,” and if you haven’t had it for a long time, you’re not alone.

Modern life, with its endless distractions and to-do lists, has a way of pushing passion so far down the priority list that eventually it becomes just another thing to get done — if it makes the list at all.

“In my practice, I hear it over and over again from clients who say they’re just going through the motions, that their relationship isn’t as fulfilling as it once was,” says Thomasina Charney, a life coach living in rural Manitoba.

So Charney, a busy mom who also runs Rossman Yurts & Retreats with her husband, decided to do something to help couples bring the squoogies back.

The Valentine Weekend Great Sex for Life retreat takes place Feb. 12-14 at Elkhorn Resort & Spa in Riding Mountain National Park. McGarvie will be co-facilitating the event, along with her life partner and co-therapist Blaik Spratt.

Winnipeg standup comic Dan Licoppe will break the ice Friday evening following a meet-and-greet chocolate fondue, and there’ll be a ’50s/’60s-style dance and social on Saturday night.

The rest of the time, it’s all about sex — everything from building intimacy to improving technique to “keeping it hot.”

“This workshop is about the best fun, funny, adrenaline kick-starting ideas to keep your relationship from slipping into the ho-hum, ‘Do we really have to, I have a headache,’ pattern,” says McGarvie, a syndicated radio and television sex-show host and author of Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe-Curling Orgasms and Lean and Lusty: The Libido Diet.

“Everyone wants to have that close relationship, to be that couple who hit their 60th anniversary still goosing each other and chasing each other around the cake, but the daily minutiae can make it really difficult.”

Never mind that men and women tend to have different ideas about intimacy — or at least how to get there.

“I try to explain to men why not doing the dishes can affect their sex life,” McGarvie says. “Because if you’re not feeling close to your partner, the last thing you want to do is have sex with them. And for men, that’s how they feel close.”

Any adrenaline-boosting activities that couples do together — paintball, whitewater rafting, etc. — will help them bond, she says, especially if it’s out of their comfort zone. The five things that great marriages have in common? Regular date nights, stopping the fight before it gets ugly, putting the other person’s needs first, sense of humour and inventive sex life.

Regarding the latter, McGarvie says it’s important that couples keep it hot with integrity.

“We’re not saying that you need leather and Crisco; it has to be suited to your relationship,” she says. “We call it being an ethical hedonist.”

As for the retreat, McGarvie says there are no lectures, and although it will be “very interactive,” it’s not group therapy — and no one will be put on the spot. Discussion topics will be determined by the results of a questionnaire that participants will fill out the first night.

“Maybe you’ll learn something, hopefully you’re going to feel closer,” she says. “I’m expecting you to bust a gut laughing and I’m expecting you to feel connected at the end of it — and that you did something for your relationship.”

(The anatomically correct puppets should help with the laughs.) continue reading

Source: Winnipeg Free Press

By CARLA HINTON
The Oklahoman

The boss and your desk mate entered the Christmas party separately, but later she tells you they rode together and plan on leaving that way.  The two are dating, she whispers, and admonishes you to keep it to yourself.

All of a sudden, the hors d’oeuvres you’ve consumed have made you queasy. It’s either that, or you are uncomfortable about news of your colleague’s office romance.

Office dalliances are a hot topic these days, perhaps because of the very public scandals involving television personalities such as CBS late-night talk-show host David Letterman and ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips.

In October, Letterman confessed to a live audience and his broader “Late Show With David Letterman” television audience of having had sexual relationships with women who work for his television show. Letterman made the pronouncement after a CBS news producer allegedly tried to extort $2 million from him in exchange for keeping secret about Letterman’s relationship with former “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt.

Phillips was fired from ESPN in October after his wife called police to report that she was fearful of a woman who had shown up at the couple’s home. Phillips reportedly told police the woman, ESPN production assistant Brooke Hundley, was someone with whom he had had sexual trysts. Police later reported that Hundley is alleged to have initiated conversation with Phillips’ son, asking questions about his parents, through a social media network. ESPN fired Phillips and Hundley.

The publicity resulting from reports about Letterman and Phillips may have heightened awareness about office romances.

Though not all office romances are doomed, Kelly Baldrate, an adjunct professor at the Oklahoma City University School of Law, said people should be sure they are not crossing any boundaries that may place them in legal jeopardy. Employment law and employment discrimination are two of Baldrate’s specialties.

She said simple flirtation in the office is not likely to get anyone into trouble legally. But the problem is that nothing is simple anymore.

“She’s batting her eyes at him. He’s batting his eyes at her, and it’s welcome, but of course sometimes there’s confusion,” Baldrate said.

“It’s when the lines get blurred, and someone is unsure, or when things go sour” that problems arise.

Baldrate said boss-employee relationships are always risky because the employee may feel he or she has to go along with the relationship or risk losing the job. The subordinate could feel that the relationship causes a hostile work environment, or other employees observing the relationship may feel they are experiencing a hostile work environment.

Baldrate said companies need to make sure they have policies in place regarding office fraternization and ensure the policies are available for all employees to read and consider.

She said many legal cases surrounding office romances hinge on whether romantic attention is welcome.

“From a practical matter, that’s why it may be best not to have an office romance,” Baldrate said.

However, she said office romances do tend to flourish, sparked perhaps because people spend lots of time at work.

She said the topic of office relationships and sexual harassment was brought to the public spotlight in 1991 during U.S. Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas. Thomas was accused by Anita Hill, then a professor at the University of Oklahoma, of sexual harassment when the two worked for the U.S. Department of Education and the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission.

Thomas was eventually confirmed as a Supreme Court justice.

What was and was not acceptable in the office became a matter of public debate, Baldrate said.

“What you say and how someone takes it may be different,” she said.

Baldrate emphasized that the essential keys are whether there is behavior that is considered sexual advances and whether there is a question about it being welcome.

“If there is a question whether it is welcome, don’t do it,” Baldrate said.

Source: abcactionnews.com

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson, R.N., and Ted Hagen, Ph.D., McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Do you realize that over-giving can hurt your relationships with family and friends?

Doing too much for others can certainly wear you down. But, it can also weaken the bonding process between two people.

The give-and-take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens the relationship.

“I counsel men and women who are chronic people pleasers,” says a psychologist friend of ours we’ll call Dave.

“I coach these folks in how to speak up for their needs,” says Dave. “They have to learn that a spouse must be required to give. A child must be required to give. A friend must be required to give.”

Asking someone to help you run errands, clean the house, plan a party or scratch your back is a huge stretch for some people.

“Asking is crucial,” says Dave. “It tells the other person you have mutual dependency. It tells them you have a bond.”

Women, especially, have trouble asking for their needs to be met. Tradition has taught women to give much in relationships and expect little in return.

Consider a woman we’ll call Sandy. Sandy has been dating a man for seven years. Sandy cleans his house, watches his children on weekends, and pays some of his bills.

“This man,” says Sandy, “is leaving me.”

Sandy’s man has fallen for a woman at his church, it turns out.

Sandy gave too much for too long in the relationship.

For starters, Sandy did not create a true bond with the man she was dating. She gave so much of herself, she caused serious gaps in the bonding process.

Bonding for a male and female requires that each that each grows to rely on the other. This means emotional and physical reliance. By not setting standards for her own treatment, Sandy cheated her man of ways to bond with her.

A couple we know, whom we’ll call Connie and Jim, still argue after 12 years of marriage like young teenagers. Both of them stay totally frustrated. Connie is a champion over-giver in the relationship.

We advised Connie and Jim to do the following:

•Ask three things of each other daily. These should be small five-minute chores or errands. Doing for each other builds an understanding of each other’s needs.

Build friendships with three couples. Jim’s relatives visit Connie and Jack every single day. Instead, they need to bond with couples not related to them. Relatives coming over too much can wreck a marriage.

Discuss personal weaknesses. Jim is a perfectionist, so Connie is crippled in stating her anxieties or needs to Jim. Perfectionism is a form of abuse. Connie and Jim can’t bond if they don’t share personal vulnerabilities.

Another example of giving too much involves a man we’ll call Greg. Greg divorced his children’s mother five years ago.

“When my children visit, I try to make up for lost time,” says Greg. “I really spoil them. We see four movies in one weekend, and I let them buy tons of stuff.”

We advised Greg to stop giving so much. His children need unstructured time to just hang out with him. This can’t happen if they see four movies in two days.

The kids also need to do chores at Greg’s house. They need to know Greg depends on them for real input into his life. Greg is playing more of a Santa Claus role with his kids.

Children who have real roles to play in their families feel needed. While everyone wants to feel loved, we all bond with others who truly need us in their lives.

Source: orlandosentinel.com

By Thomas Dewick

Lehigh’s very own professor of love, Quiana Daniel, met with students in the Peak Performance Center of Johnson Hall on Wednesday to discuss how to maintain a healthy relationship in college.

Daniel, of the Office of Residence Life, covered the importance of communication, trust and mutual respect.

“Really happy relationships are based on deep friendship,” Daniel said, who is the resident coordinator for the McClintic-Marshall and Trembley Park dorms.

Students tried to figure out what they brought to a relationship. People conform to one of three coping styles at different times: the people pleaser, controller or avoider, Daniel said. People pleasers need approval to dim the threat of rejection while controllers resist other’s wishes and avoiders keep people at bay, she said.

Knowing which style one gravitates toward can help people understand their partner’s or their own mindset.

One key to a healthy relationship is paying attention to things one’s partner loves. People in a relationship do not necessarily need to have the same interests. They should, however, be curious about what is going on in the other’s life, Daniel said.

Daniel explained the importance of accepting one’s partner for who he or she is.

“No human being is going to be Prince Charming or Cinderella,” she said.

People seeking to change fundamental aspects of their partner’s personality would be better off reconsidering whether they are a good match in the first place.

It is important to remember that one has to think about someone else in how they spend their time, Daniel said. Sharing daily activities, even something like studying together, greatly strengthens a relationship.

Decision-making also becomes a shared process.

“If a couple doesn’t share power, there is an 81 percent chance that the relationship will become self-destructive,” Daniel said. Men often have a harder time letting partners make decisions for them.

Once a couple falls into a routine, the goal of the relationship should be to “create a story together,” Daniel said. In a healthy relationship, partners grow together and shape each other through shared experiences. It is also important to remember the good times, such as a first date.

Disagreements are inevitable, and most couples will fight, Daniel said. People should focus on how fights start. If a partner is aggressive, it may be a sign of deeper animosity. A softer approach towards disagreements is better for making a point.

“You will never know the honesty of a person,” Daniel said. Relationships are about taking a risk and placing trust in a partner. This process does not happen overnight, she said.

Source: The Brown And White

Matt Mosher, Life Editor

Sex is arguably the most physically satisfying part of any relationship. But with sex comes great responsibility.

It is also important to understand what type of relationship the couple is part of, be it a one night stand, friends with benefits or a genuine attempt at a working relationship.

“A healthy relationship is, at its core, where two people are authentically themselves with one another, giving and receiving respect for who they are,” said Jane Fischer, Director of SBI health education.

Fischer said the amount of sex in a relationship depends on the comfort of both people involved and that neither partner should be pressured, forced, or coerced into doing anything with which they feel uncomfortable.

“People have needs, but sometimes those needs are different,” Fischer said. “If two people care about each other at the core - without sex… open, honest conversation can happen… the key is honest, respectful communication - expressing needs, wishes, fears, etc. If one partner is having more or less sex than they would like, they need to express that [and] the other partner needs to truly hear the other, and base their decisions on their own comfort, as well as the comfort of their partner.”

Mary Jo Fay, the author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, a new book about sex in relationships said in an article on webmd.com that couples should sometimes try to plan ahead for sex. Adding, “when sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation.”

Fay says that mixing things up a bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Partners can try “doing it” in a kitchen, a classroom or even try it while standing up.

“Sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy,” Fay said in the article.

For partners feeling uncomfortable talking about the dirty deeds, SBI offices have trained student and professional staff who meet one-on-one with students, or meet with them as a couple, to talk about how to communicate respectfully, honestly, and how to listen to one another, according to Fischer.

“If a couple has had sex once, it doesn’t mean that either partner should feel compelled to have sex again,” Fischer said. “This needs to be spelled out at the beginning, and throughout the relationship - a sort of ‘checking in.’ One person may think, ‘Since I haven’t said I want this to be an exclusive, romantic relationship, then he/she knows its not.’ The other, at the same time may think, ‘I haven’t said that I want this to be a casual, no-strings-attached relationship, so he/she knows its not.’”

She added that having sex too early can have different meanings and depends on what each partner expects and needs to get out of the relationship, and what they expect and need to put in to the relationship.

SBI also offers workshops on healthy relationships, Fischer said. They’re interactive, they can be fun, and they allow people to ask frank questions, and hear real responses. Anyone who would like to learn more can contact SBI at healthed@buffalo.edu or call 829-2584.

“Sex should not be the core of the relationship - respect is,” Fischer said.

Source: The Spectrum, The Independent Student Newspaper Of The University At Buffalo

Suspect held on $100,000 bail after Ohio woman recognizes alleged culprit

updated 6:12 a.m. ET, Wed., Sept . 9, 2009

COLUMBUS, Ohio - A robbery suspect was arrested when he returned to the scene of the crime to ask the victim out on a date, police said.

Columbus police allege that Stephfon Bennett, 20, was among three men who robbed a couple late Sunday.

Sgt. Sean Laird said the woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out about two hours later. She had a relative call 911. continue reading

July 20, 2009

Source: blogs.usatoday.com

A couple reunited by a love letter that was lost behind a fireplace for 10 years have finally married, the Herald Express newspaper of Britain’s South Devon reports.

Steve Smith, who is British, and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, a Spaniard living in Paris, originally met 17 years ago when Carmen was a foreign student in England. They fell in love and were engaged, the paper says, but drifted apart after she had to return to France.

Six years later, continue reading