By Ellen McCarthy

The hikes Thierry Chiapello and Sharon Spradling began taking in fall 2006 were not particularly romantic.

They’d met earlier that year at the Pentagon. She was a career Air Force officer specializing in biomedical science. He was the director of the Defense Department’s Explosives Safety Board. Their jobs would require a certain amount of collaboration, so they exchanged cards and promised to be in touch.

And they were — trading messages on their BlackBerrys about work strategies, life philosophies and books they found compelling. When he signed off one Friday with a mention that he planned to hit the C&O Canal that weekend to clear his head, she replied that she’d been planning to do the same.

They decided to meet near Great Falls and set out on the trail together. Over the next few months they would log hundreds of miles, exhausting their bodies and trying, at least, to exorcise the sorrows weighing on each of them.

By then Chiapello, now 43, had been separated from his second wife for almost a year. He’d married for the first time at 27 when, as a young Marine, he found out his girlfriend was pregnant with their daughter. But the union lasted less than a year. When he walked back down the aisle at 31, it was with greater deliberateness and confidence that this relationship would last. But after two more daughters and 10 years, that marriage, too, began to crumble.

Spradling had been married for three years in her 20s, but chafed at the institution. It seemed to somehow change the way people treated her: She was someone’s wife then, not her own person. “People don’t talk to you, they talk to your husband,” she recalls. “It drove me nuts.”

For years she was happy to move around the country with the military. But she’d been in Washington longer than anyplace else, and it was here she’d carried on a 10-year relationship that had also hit the skids. By the time she and Chiapello began hiking together, the breakup was complete, though her ex-boyfriend had yet to move out of the house.

“That’s why we hiked so much — just to kind of talk about it,” says Spradling, now 44.

A 14-mile walk in the woods can breed a certain intimacy, one that deepened as they reunited on the trail every weekend. Little was left unsaid — except, perhaps, the feelings they were developing for each other. Spradling, in particular, thought there was potential, but even investing herself in that thought felt risky, she says, “because I think he was hoping, up until the last minute, that his divorce wouldn’t happen and he would have a happily ever after.

“It was pretty clear to me that wasn’t gonna happen, but you can’t tell somebody that. And you don’t even want to hope for that, really.”

It was Chiapello’s daughter, Monica, who impelled the relationship beyond the footpath. Visiting from Los Angeles over the holidays, the 16-year-old joined the two on a New Year’s Eve hike, nudging her dad at the end to invite Spradling to a family party that night.

Soon Chiapello and Spradling were seeing each other regularly, adding dinners and phone calls to their hiking routine. Chiapello’s divorce became final in March 2007, but instead of feeling like a release, the finality of it devastated him.

“You do the self-analysis: ‘What could I have done differently? How much of this was my fault?’ A lot of different issues start percolating up,” he explains. “You’ve got to take out the garbage, so to speak — about yourself. You’ve gotta clean house.”

To save himself from future heartache, he says, “I’ve often thought about joining a cloistered men’s monastery — at least for 30 seconds.”

Neither knew where the relationship was headed, but they agreed, Spradling says, “that we’d be friends no matter how it worked out.”

“There was no big rush,” Chiapello says. “And in hindsight that’s what I didn’t do in the previous two marriages: build a foundation of really getting to know someone — without any pressure of expectations for a future.”

At the end of 2007, they bought a house together. Living under the same roof proved difficult initially, so there were, just as there had been at the beginning, a lot of long talks. “It’s about communication overall. And I’m not talking about mild stuff. I’m talking about what’s really at the heart of it,” he says. “We worked through a lot of stuff. But we always came out on a better place, even on some really tough issues.”

The adage is that as people age, they become more set in their ways. Chiapello thinks the tumult of his life has instead made him more flexible. “I’ve become more tolerant over time,” he says. “I think life has really served to make me understand myself far better. And to understand what’s important and what’s not, and to appreciate what’s important and what’s not.”

During those first hard months — as he also worked to help his daughters adjust to the changes in their lives — Chiapello and Spradling paid a great deal of attention to “learning to tolerate each other’s imperfections and weaknesses.” There would be, they determined, no rose-colored glasses in this relationship. “That’s the beauty of this,” he says. “It’s real.”

When Monica came to live with them the following year, the couple began to feel frustrated with the description of Spradling as “my dad’s live-in girlfriend.” But each was still wary that marriage would somehow diminish the good thing they had going. For a while they decided to be “virtually married” and live as if they’d tied the knot, just to see how it would feel. “And that actually worked out pretty well,” he says. “So ultimately we said, ‘Let’s do it.’ ”

It took a year, but they finally set a date: Jan. 10 at Great Falls, where their relationship took root. There would be a ceremony, they decided, but no giant wedding. “We didn’t want to fall into that trap,” he says. “It’s about the rest of it — not the wedding.”

Before Spradling woke that morning, Chiapello sent her an e-mail. “As experience and understanding of who I really am becomes more evident on this constant journey called life, my shortcomings and mistakes become increasingly evident,” he wrote. But, he continued, “I commit to giving you my best day in and day out.”

As ice floated by on the Potomac and freezing winds blasted their dark overcoats, the two exchanged simple vows. And the guest list that day totaled seven, including their three dogs.

Source: The Washington Post

By Tamera Manzanares

It’s the holidays. Families gather in warm, festive settings. They are content, at peace and completely immersed in the moment.

This is not reality for most families. Whether it’s squabbles or sarcasm, feigned happiness or empty seats at the dinner table, the holidays often highlight tension and conflicts.

By lowering expectations — letting go of hopes for perfection and harmony — and being more open to others and situations, family members can make gatherings enjoyable, rather than tolerable.

Where deep and painful fissures exist, this season also may offer opportunities to begin mending relationships.
“The question to ask yourself is ‘Do I want peace?’” said Diane McCrann, a psychotherapist and counselor in Steamboat Springs. “If it’s peace you want … you must reach out, you must forgive.”

Making the first step

Overcoming blame and resentment takes a lot of courage, but that effort will pay off, if not in the relationship, for the person initiating the process. As hard as it seems, taking the first step toward reconciliation can take less energy than hanging on to anger, sadness and regret, which take a toll on a person’s health.

“If you want change then why wait for the phone to ring or the holiday card to arrive … it may never happen,” McCrann said.

Reaching out does not have to be overwhelming. If a face to face connection or phone call is threatening, a person can write an e-mail or send a card.

McCrann suggests keeping communication simple with statements such as, “I’m sorry we’ve grown apart” or “I miss you.” The biggest mistake a person can make is to rehash the past.

“Even if you believe the other person is at fault, it’s important you step beyond that and say, ‘What can I do … what can we do to get past this,’” she said.

Forgiving takes practice and time and can make a person feel vulnerable if the other person doesn’t reciprocate.

Even if this is the case, the person reaching out will have peace in their heart knowing they did their best and can move on to more rewarding relationships.

“The challenge is that we can’t make a relationship exactly as we want it,” McCrann said. “We can have hope and wishes, and we can reach out and share our love, but we can’t control what the other person does.”

Coping with issues

Estrangement within a family can be particularly painful for older individuals who have devoted a lifetime to nurturing family relationships.

Pained by conflicts between their children, older adults still have the power to smooth rifts by paying attention to how they communicate with their grown children and how they deal with issues involving money, gifts and other sensitive matters that may contribute to rivalries, McCrann said.

Siblings at odds with each other should consider how that tension affects their ability to care for and make decisions regarding their aging parent.

“If siblings are not on the same page … their ability to communicate about the needs and concerns of their aging parent is estranged and very ineffective.

“Everybody loses in that circumstance,” she said.

An older parent estranged from their child may find it difficult to reach out, especially if they think it is the child who should make the first step. The older individual will need to let go of that feeling — especially if the situation is causing them a lot of stress — to begin the communication process.

Resolving conflict can take time, and some bonds may remain broken despite a person’s best efforts.

Rather than getting lost in disappointment, people can create a sense of family and nurture the relationships they long for among friends and people already in their lives, McCrann emphasized.

“Who is there that can share a meal, take a walk or share a cup of coffee with us?” she said. “Love is all around us and the potential for relationships is wherever we are, regardless of our age or circumstance.”

Source: Craig Daily Press

by Gregory Boyce

Over the last week the world has been fairly saturated and tuned-in with golfing legend Tiger Woods’ admission to committing transgressions against his wife and family. Tiger Wood’s once stellar image that made him enormously rich in terms of commercial appeal, is now slightly tarnished. As most of the world rhetorically asks, “how could a man who appeared to have it all, act so foolishly and put at risk the people who meant the most to him, meaning his wife and kids”? we must remember that money, fame and power will corrupt a large percentage of individuals who are willing to trade their morals for a chance to fullfil their hidden fantasies. If you don’t believe me ask any Senator or member of Congress.

Now for the rest of us mortal men and women who are not financially in a position to have gold diggers find us attractive, we still have to ask, “why do 75 percent of married men cheat on their wives”?  And why are a growing number of wives cheating on their husbands? I’ve done a little research and this article discusses how infidelity can creep into a married couple’s life and take root. Cheating is not always about having the money to entice a person to sleep with you, it’s about lust and fullfiling fantasies, it’s a complicated issue but definitely worth a look at should you currently be “walking the line” of infidelity.

Statistics state that seventy-five percent of all married men in the United States are unfaithful to their wives. Of the men who cheat, statistics state that two-thirds of their wives are unaware of the affairs that their husbands are having. I guess that in today’s society, a good man really is hard to find.

Guess what America? Men aren’t alone when it comes to infidelity. Wives are also cheating on their husbands more than ever. Let’s take a look at some of the common causes of cheating, and let’s see how they can be avoided:

LACK OF SEXUAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Per marriage counselors, if you and your spouse have stopped being intimate with each other, or if you have drastically decreased the frequency of your intimacy, then your personal relationship is going to suffer.

Sex is an integral part of a marriage. It is a way to share something with each other that is personal and loving, and the connection that you share during sex creates a deeper connection between the two of you that extends to all areas of your life.

Although it can be difficult for many couples to find the time in their busy schedules, juggling work and family and household chores, it is important to make intimacy a priority, even if that means scheduling time for it. If you are too tired at the end of the day to have sex, get up for an early lovemaking session, or slip away for some private time together on a Saturday afternoon.

Maintain excitement between the two of you by integrating foreplay into your everyday lives. Call your husband at work, and tell him how eager you are to be with him tonight. Leave a naughty note in your wife’s car before she leaves for work. Wear lingerie sometimes, rather than just flopping into bed in your sweatpants and t-shirt. Light candles burn incense. Hold hands. Keep the romance alive! When you have been with someone for many years, sometimes you forget that it is the little things that make the biggest difference.

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITHIN THE MARRIAGE

Married couples develop a silent form of communication between one another, but you can’t eliminate verbal communication from a relationship altogether. Couples who co-exist as if they were roommates are at risk for losing the friendship side of their relationship.

Talk to your spouse about your day; make it a dinner-time ritual. After dinner, don’t park in front of the television. Find the joy of just sitting together; sharing your thoughts and innermost feelings. Unless you have consistent communication, you will grow further apart, and turn into strangers. You will long for an emotionally intimate relationship, and that is why many married people stray from their mate.

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Sexual addiction is one of the worst afflictions that a married person can possess. Someone with a sexual addiction craves different sexual partners and lots of sex, and it can be as hard an addiction to conquer as drinking or drug use. Sexual addiction can be hard to understand and very hard to forgive because when someone cheats on you, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.

If you or your spouse has a sexual addiction, then you should seek professional help. If you have a partner with sexual addiction who refuses treatment, then you should leave the relationship to avoid the inevitable devastation you would encounter with a sexual addict for a spouse.

MID-LIFE CRISIS AFFAIRS

The severity of a mid-life crisis varies from person to person. Many struggle to come to grips with their own mortality, and they want to make sure that they get the most out of their life experience. Some men buy a fast sports car, some women rush out for plastic surgery, and some men and women stray from their relationships, often looking for a younger sexual partner to add some spice to their life.

If you notice that your partner is struggling to come to terms with aging, then you have to be a comfort to them.

Remind them how much you love them, and be willing to be adventurous together. Instead of dreading aging, embrace and enjoy it together. You might consider traveling together, or getting involved in a new hobby, such as bicycling. If you or your spouse is having a severely hard time with growing older, then seek professional counseling that will help with that phobia.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES

Major shifts in lifestyle can add stress to a marriage. It could be a new job that requires very long hours and has a very stressful set of responsibilities. It could be moving to a new home in a new city or town. It could be the birth of a child, or the death of a family member, or it could be an unforeseen financial disaster.

When our lives drastically change, we have to make adjustments in our marriages to accommodate the changes. Communicate with your spouse; share your concerns with each other. Try to change and deal with change together so that your relationship is actually strengthened by stresses in the long run. If you start leading entirely separate lives, then you are more likely to enter into an affair.

As always Louisianans, the Examiner.Com is interested in what you think.  (1) Has Tiger Woods learned his lesson? (2) Do you believe that 75% of married men cheat or have cheated on their wives? And (3) do you believe that married women are more likely to cheat for affection than for money? Inquiring minds want to know.

Source: Examiner.com

By Thomas Dewick

Lehigh’s very own professor of love, Quiana Daniel, met with students in the Peak Performance Center of Johnson Hall on Wednesday to discuss how to maintain a healthy relationship in college.

Daniel, of the Office of Residence Life, covered the importance of communication, trust and mutual respect.

“Really happy relationships are based on deep friendship,” Daniel said, who is the resident coordinator for the McClintic-Marshall and Trembley Park dorms.

Students tried to figure out what they brought to a relationship. People conform to one of three coping styles at different times: the people pleaser, controller or avoider, Daniel said. People pleasers need approval to dim the threat of rejection while controllers resist other’s wishes and avoiders keep people at bay, she said.

Knowing which style one gravitates toward can help people understand their partner’s or their own mindset.

One key to a healthy relationship is paying attention to things one’s partner loves. People in a relationship do not necessarily need to have the same interests. They should, however, be curious about what is going on in the other’s life, Daniel said.

Daniel explained the importance of accepting one’s partner for who he or she is.

“No human being is going to be Prince Charming or Cinderella,” she said.

People seeking to change fundamental aspects of their partner’s personality would be better off reconsidering whether they are a good match in the first place.

It is important to remember that one has to think about someone else in how they spend their time, Daniel said. Sharing daily activities, even something like studying together, greatly strengthens a relationship.

Decision-making also becomes a shared process.

“If a couple doesn’t share power, there is an 81 percent chance that the relationship will become self-destructive,” Daniel said. Men often have a harder time letting partners make decisions for them.

Once a couple falls into a routine, the goal of the relationship should be to “create a story together,” Daniel said. In a healthy relationship, partners grow together and shape each other through shared experiences. It is also important to remember the good times, such as a first date.

Disagreements are inevitable, and most couples will fight, Daniel said. People should focus on how fights start. If a partner is aggressive, it may be a sign of deeper animosity. A softer approach towards disagreements is better for making a point.

“You will never know the honesty of a person,” Daniel said. Relationships are about taking a risk and placing trust in a partner. This process does not happen overnight, she said.

Source: The Brown And White

Friday, November 20, 2009
By Yvonne Fulbright

The long-awaited breakthrough in women’s sexual dysfunction may be here. German drugmaker Boehringer Ingelheim (BI) GmbH claims to have made a pill that will awaken female sexual desire.

This Prince Charming of investigational compounds promises to arouse Cinderella by decreasing inhibitions. This experimental desire drug plays with her mind literally, working on the brain.

Known as Flibanserin, this magic pill has sexual medicine bracing itself for a Viagra-like reception of this first of its kind pharmaceutical treatment for her. With women likelier to report sexual problems than men, sales for the U.S. market alone are projected to surpass the $2 billion Americans spend on erectile dysfunction treatments.

Before the money starts rolling in, however, it will take the U.S. Food and Drug Administration 6-18 months to decide whether it will approve Flibanserin.

Still, should you be more concerned than hopeful over its promise to transform women’s sex lives?

Flibanserin was originally researched as a possible treatment for depression and not as a possible contestant in the race for a “female Viagra.” While it didn’t lift users’ moods, researchers noticed that sexual appetite was rated consistently higher on measures of well-being. This prompted BI to conduct three separate, 24-week clinical trials investigating its potential to treat hyposexual desire disorder, which in laymen’s terms translates to a low-libido.

The more than 5,000 female participants recruited in the U.S. and Europe were mostly professionals in their early 30s to mid-40s in stable, monogamous, communicative, heterosexual relationships with a sexually functional partner. They were concerned, bothered, or frustrated with their low desire or its negative impact on their relationships.

Upon starting the treatment, they were asked to gauge their “satisfying sexual events.” They were beeped once daily and asked to rate their desire, as well as note whether they had been sexually active that day and if it was enjoyable.

Findings revealed an increase in the number of satisfying sexual events and sexual desire while distress due to hyposexual desire disorder decreased. These satisfying events included sexual intercourse, oral sex, masturbation, or genital stimulation by one’s partner.

Sounds great, right? Before getting too excited, though, consider the controversial issues at hand.

Even prior to its press blast Monday, BI was finding itself in the middle of the debate on how to deal with low or no libido. Can it be as simple as popping a pill? Or do the often multiple and complex issues involved require a more thoughtful, holistic approach?

Regardless, is a lack of interest in sex a true medical condition? Is there even a disorder to treat to begin with? Decreased desire may serve an evolutionary purpose, for example, enabling females to take care of their offspring.

Female sexual dysfunction has been criticized for being a “disease” created by pharmaceutical companies to make healthy individuals believe they have a problem requiring medicine. Who is to say that it’s dysfunctional, especially when there can be other factors at play?

A person’s relationship, beliefs, values, feelings, comfort level, and motivations, as well as a host of other issues, may be to blame — not the body or brain.

Proponents for the drug argue that decreased female desire is all in her head — a brain dysfunction of sorts.

Regardless of which side you’re on, there are other unavoidable issues that must be attended to, like:

BI researchers don’t know how Flibanserin works. They don’t know why it failed as an antidepressant. They’re guessing on why it helps female libido. Relying on a model of sexual excitatory and inhibitory structures in the brain, they’re unable to pinpoint how or where Flibanserin acts.

What we do know is that Flibanserin is a serotonin drug, with the same 5-HT1A chemistry as Buspar (buspirone), an anti-anxiety drug that functions differently than traditionally anti-anxiety meds like Valium and is said to be nonhabit-forming. Flibanserin works by blocking the release of serotonin, a brain chemical which regulates mood, memory, sleep and appetite.

After 3-6 weeks of daily 100 milligram use, the brain’s production of the neurotransmitter dopamine should increase, stimulating desire. While that sounds fancy and seems to make sense, nobody knows what this drug is treating exactly. We also don’t know the implications, including the brain altering effects, of this psychoactive drug.

The difference in research findings between continents hasn’t been explained. While significant differences were found between those taking the drug versus those using the placebo in North America, the European trials found no significant increase in sexual satisfying events between its two comparison groups. Answering this question stands to open a whole can of worms, including how an individual measures desire.

Even the researchers involved in the studies admit that sexual desire is difficult to define. What is “normal” sexual desire? Right now, there is no baseline by which to define low desire disorder.

Why didn’t sexual desire diminish post-trial? BI has yet to explain why participants who took the drug reported that sexual desire didn’t diminish after the study concluded. This begs questions like did Flibanserin permanently affect participants’ brain chemistry? Or was brain chemistry not a significant factor in most low desire cases?

The drug’s long-term safety and potential withdrawal problems are unknown. Right now, we don’t know the safety of the drug beyond 6 months of use. Side effects in the first two weeks of trials included dizziness, fatigue, anxiety, nausea, daytime sleepiness, dry mouth, and insomnia. The majority of these were resolved with continued treatment, though it’s worth noting that 15 percent of participants discontinued treatment because of the side effects.

Despite studying the drug for over a decade, BI has yet to publish clinical test results proving the drug’s effectiveness. It does, however, need to wrap up its research, and may be able to respond to the red flags being raised.

With most women in the study stating that low desire had “crept up” on them over time, you or your partner may want to keep that in mind if chronic low desire is ever experienced.

Instead of reinforcing the “it’s all in her head” stereotype about females, consider drug-free strategies to get to a better place. These may include becoming more sexually informed, evaluating one’s contraceptive use, therapy, and/or cultivating better communication and a healthier relationship (or getting out of one).

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Source: www.foxnews.com

BY JOHN DE MONTMOLLIN

Popular media create the notion of instant and romantic relationships. Even though we all know they don’t happen that quickly, most people hope for satisfying relationships in their lives.

A growing body of research describes the behaviors, skills and communication patterns that help people build and maintain healthy relationships. Based on this knowledge, University of Wisconsin-Extension is developing educational programs that help individuals and couples acquire more healthy relationship-building skills. Our goal is to provide education that can improve relationships, says Mary Novak, professor of family development.

No couple agrees on everything. Sometimes when things don’t seem to be going well in a relationship, we focus much of our time and attention on the problems. We may even see our partner as the problem, Novak says.

She offers some suggestions for a more positive approach. “I like to compare growing a healthy relationship to growing a healthy garden,” Novak says. “Both take planning, special care, cultivation and effort to reap a bountiful harvest.”

• Commit to making a sustained effort in your relationship. You may start out with great visions, but weeds, bad weather, pests and distractions can threaten your garden and your dreams. Committing regular time and energy to caring for your relationship is essential.
• Grow: Expand your own strengths. Successful gardeners must invest time in reflection and learning. Learning new strategies and ways to deal with things also expands the strengths we bring to our partnerships. Remember to appreciate your past, present and future.
• Nurture. Careful attention to plants’ well-being can produce a radiant garden — it doesn’t happen on its own. We may need to increase the support we give to each other and time spent together to help make a relationship flourish. Weeding out destructive thoughts and actions, and thinking peaceful thoughts prepares you to communicate in a healthy way.n Show some understanding. At times gardeners get sunburned or bitten by bugs. Rather than scolding your partner for not using sunscreen or being more careful, try a little compassion instead. Try doing nice things for each other, no matter how small.
• Appreciate your differences. Researchers have found that happy couples are willing to keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones. Couples may have very real differences that won’t simply disappear by talking about them — especially when anger and negativity pervade the discussion. Choose to stay calm, listen attentively, and try to understand your partner’s view.
• Serve: Give back to your community. When gardens are productive, it’s good to share the bounty with others. Working together as a couple to contribute to the community helps to strengthen a relationship. It requires finding a common purpose and a chance to bring important ideals to life.

It’s important to keep perspective through both the good and difficult times in your relationship. Some couples do have differences that cannot easily be resolved. Accepting the other person and learning to live with some of their differences can help you enjoy the bounty of the relationship, Novak says. John de Montmollin is Kenosha County University of Wisconsin-Extension assistant professor and youth and family educator.

Source: Kenosha News

Cosmo uncovers the secret body-language clues that reveal your guy’s deepest desires — almost instantly.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

By Beth Whiffen

Mention the words sharing and feelings in the same sentence and most guys — yes, even if they’re super comfortable with you — will run to the nearest sports bar, where they can avoid using modern language entirely. “Men are taught to stifle emotion, so they often have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings,” explains psychologist Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Men Could Talk.

But lucky for you, even if your guy won’t open up, his mug will give him away. “The face is considered the most expressive body part because its muscles are linked to the emotional centers in the brain,” says anthropologist David B. Givens, Ph.D., author of Love Signals. “The slightest shift in mood registers as a specific facial gesture, making it extremely difficult to conceal one’s true feelings.” Learn to decode these unconscious cues and you’ve got a window into his soul.

Here’s how to tell when…

1. He Needs Some Space
Maybe you brought up a sensitive subject or said something that ticked him off. It could even just be that the dude had a crummy day at work. But one thing is certain: When your guy turns his head to the right or left midconversation so you’re talking to him in profile, he’s in no mood to chat. “He’s using this head turn to increase the physical distance between the two of you without actually stepping backward and moving his entire body away from you,” says Givens. “In effect, what he’s doing is creating a silent barrier to shut you out and create a safe haven for himself.”

Handle-him help: His Lone Ranger stance may not have anything to do with you, but something has clearly upset him and the man needs some time alone. “Men require space in order to maintain their sense of independence, which is a central component to their identity,” says Gratch. “Often, they want to feel as though they’ve dealt with a particular issue on their own without any assistance from a significant other.”

Translation: Getting in his face will only serve to push him further away. So unless you want him to retreat to Siberia, do a disappearing act until he seems to be in a better mood … whether it’s for a few minutes or a couple of hours. “It may take the average guy 20 minutes to an hour to relax and fully process a situation; however, it’s crucial for you to allow him that time period to think,” says psychotherapist Jonathan Robinson, author of Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict.

Then when he does seem more like himself, approach him and say something like “What was going on before? You seemed kinda bummed.” Maybe he’ll spill his guts, but if not, let it go. As long as he’s not giving off any “I’m pissed at you” vibes, it was probably nothing anyway.

2. He’s Ready for Romance
Say you’re at a party or out at a bar with your guy and you notice that when you lock eyes with him, his peepers seem a little sleepy and droopy. No, he’s not ready for a nap, but he is ready for bed. “When people feel a strong sexual urge, they lapse into a more restful, dreamy state,” explains Givens, “which is why this expression is commonly referred to as bedroom eyes.”

Handle-him help: You already know he’s hot for you, so while you’re out in public, work him into a state of arousal with a little hands-off foreplay. “Whisper some sexy compliment, or lean in and blow lightly in his ear to stimulate the ultrasensitive area near his eardrum,” says sexologist Logan Levkoff. “Then go back to mingling with your friends as if nothing happened. This type of teasing will only heighten his anticipation.” Once you’re alone, make sure you follow through on those thrilling overtures you made … and throw in a few surprises.

3. He Has Something to Tell You
If you’re chatting with your man and you notice him pursing or puckering his lips several times in succession, take note. “This mouth motion shows that he’s trying to verbalize a thought,” says Givens. “When a person has something to say, the brain sends a message to the lips and tongue to start shaping the sentiment. You’re seeing his thought expressed before he even has a chance to come out with the words.” continue reading