By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

Friday, November 20, 2009
By Yvonne Fulbright

The long-awaited breakthrough in women’s sexual dysfunction may be here. German drugmaker Boehringer Ingelheim (BI) GmbH claims to have made a pill that will awaken female sexual desire.

This Prince Charming of investigational compounds promises to arouse Cinderella by decreasing inhibitions. This experimental desire drug plays with her mind literally, working on the brain.

Known as Flibanserin, this magic pill has sexual medicine bracing itself for a Viagra-like reception of this first of its kind pharmaceutical treatment for her. With women likelier to report sexual problems than men, sales for the U.S. market alone are projected to surpass the $2 billion Americans spend on erectile dysfunction treatments.

Before the money starts rolling in, however, it will take the U.S. Food and Drug Administration 6-18 months to decide whether it will approve Flibanserin.

Still, should you be more concerned than hopeful over its promise to transform women’s sex lives?

Flibanserin was originally researched as a possible treatment for depression and not as a possible contestant in the race for a “female Viagra.” While it didn’t lift users’ moods, researchers noticed that sexual appetite was rated consistently higher on measures of well-being. This prompted BI to conduct three separate, 24-week clinical trials investigating its potential to treat hyposexual desire disorder, which in laymen’s terms translates to a low-libido.

The more than 5,000 female participants recruited in the U.S. and Europe were mostly professionals in their early 30s to mid-40s in stable, monogamous, communicative, heterosexual relationships with a sexually functional partner. They were concerned, bothered, or frustrated with their low desire or its negative impact on their relationships.

Upon starting the treatment, they were asked to gauge their “satisfying sexual events.” They were beeped once daily and asked to rate their desire, as well as note whether they had been sexually active that day and if it was enjoyable.

Findings revealed an increase in the number of satisfying sexual events and sexual desire while distress due to hyposexual desire disorder decreased. These satisfying events included sexual intercourse, oral sex, masturbation, or genital stimulation by one’s partner.

Sounds great, right? Before getting too excited, though, consider the controversial issues at hand.

Even prior to its press blast Monday, BI was finding itself in the middle of the debate on how to deal with low or no libido. Can it be as simple as popping a pill? Or do the often multiple and complex issues involved require a more thoughtful, holistic approach?

Regardless, is a lack of interest in sex a true medical condition? Is there even a disorder to treat to begin with? Decreased desire may serve an evolutionary purpose, for example, enabling females to take care of their offspring.

Female sexual dysfunction has been criticized for being a “disease” created by pharmaceutical companies to make healthy individuals believe they have a problem requiring medicine. Who is to say that it’s dysfunctional, especially when there can be other factors at play?

A person’s relationship, beliefs, values, feelings, comfort level, and motivations, as well as a host of other issues, may be to blame — not the body or brain.

Proponents for the drug argue that decreased female desire is all in her head — a brain dysfunction of sorts.

Regardless of which side you’re on, there are other unavoidable issues that must be attended to, like:

BI researchers don’t know how Flibanserin works. They don’t know why it failed as an antidepressant. They’re guessing on why it helps female libido. Relying on a model of sexual excitatory and inhibitory structures in the brain, they’re unable to pinpoint how or where Flibanserin acts.

What we do know is that Flibanserin is a serotonin drug, with the same 5-HT1A chemistry as Buspar (buspirone), an anti-anxiety drug that functions differently than traditionally anti-anxiety meds like Valium and is said to be nonhabit-forming. Flibanserin works by blocking the release of serotonin, a brain chemical which regulates mood, memory, sleep and appetite.

After 3-6 weeks of daily 100 milligram use, the brain’s production of the neurotransmitter dopamine should increase, stimulating desire. While that sounds fancy and seems to make sense, nobody knows what this drug is treating exactly. We also don’t know the implications, including the brain altering effects, of this psychoactive drug.

The difference in research findings between continents hasn’t been explained. While significant differences were found between those taking the drug versus those using the placebo in North America, the European trials found no significant increase in sexual satisfying events between its two comparison groups. Answering this question stands to open a whole can of worms, including how an individual measures desire.

Even the researchers involved in the studies admit that sexual desire is difficult to define. What is “normal” sexual desire? Right now, there is no baseline by which to define low desire disorder.

Why didn’t sexual desire diminish post-trial? BI has yet to explain why participants who took the drug reported that sexual desire didn’t diminish after the study concluded. This begs questions like did Flibanserin permanently affect participants’ brain chemistry? Or was brain chemistry not a significant factor in most low desire cases?

The drug’s long-term safety and potential withdrawal problems are unknown. Right now, we don’t know the safety of the drug beyond 6 months of use. Side effects in the first two weeks of trials included dizziness, fatigue, anxiety, nausea, daytime sleepiness, dry mouth, and insomnia. The majority of these were resolved with continued treatment, though it’s worth noting that 15 percent of participants discontinued treatment because of the side effects.

Despite studying the drug for over a decade, BI has yet to publish clinical test results proving the drug’s effectiveness. It does, however, need to wrap up its research, and may be able to respond to the red flags being raised.

With most women in the study stating that low desire had “crept up” on them over time, you or your partner may want to keep that in mind if chronic low desire is ever experienced.

Instead of reinforcing the “it’s all in her head” stereotype about females, consider drug-free strategies to get to a better place. These may include becoming more sexually informed, evaluating one’s contraceptive use, therapy, and/or cultivating better communication and a healthier relationship (or getting out of one).

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Source: www.foxnews.com

By Kerstin Gupilan
Published on November 18, 2009

There’s a reason I’m still single. Yes, single. I’ve actually dated more than I’ve been in a serious relationship. Not being tied to a single significant other has its benefits, but also major downsides.

The thing is, I know exactly what the problem is, and I’ve been working to correct it for the longest time. It’s been more than difficult, though, because the problem is me.

Hear that guys? A girl admitting that she is the problem. Revel in it now because it won’t happen often, if ever again.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have the tendency to always go after the wrong guy.

I do a good job in staying away from guys with criminal records, married guys, guys with six toes on one foot and guys who are ax-wielding psychopaths.

No, instead I’m desperately attracted to the more run-of-the-mill type of guys.

The “emotionally unavailable” guy. The “not ready/looking for a serious relationship” guy. The “let’s just be friends so you don’t hate me later” guy. Yup, I’ve encountered the best of them.

And even though they each had their own special relationship complex to live by, they all had one thing in common: I found them all very attractive.

Hello, my name is Kerstin, and I’m shallow. Or at least I used to be. I was the girl who went after the guy who possessed a not-so-compatible personality but was oh-so-cute.

My earliest memory of being in this type of situation was in, as with most of my first forays into “love,” high school. Back then I had no idea I was pushing aside a guy who I got along with very well for a guy who I felt looked better.

This continued when I began college four years ago and met a very attractive teacher’s aid. We’ll call him Kevin.

But before I continue the “Kevin story,” which spanned just about two years, I would like to explore the idea of attraction, offering some sort of explanation for my behavior.

It is my personal, strong belief that physical attraction is just as significant as compatibility between two people’s personalities.

If there isn’t that pull, that heat between two individuals then there’s nothing, right? Well, it may not be nothing, but certainly an important aspect of the relationship is lacking.

But what happens when a person forces themselves to base their decisions solely on physicality?

The truth is that people’s tastes differ, so what one person may find attractive may not be so for others. To the average person, this idea is very easy to follow, and they can usually go on and live happily ever after.

But I wouldn’t be writing this column if I followed this idea.

The truth is I don’t really have a type, at least I don’t think I do. Sure there are little things I’m attracted to in guys: certain hair types, eye colors and styles. But when it comes to overall packages, I’ve always let others dictate my type.

It was like I was always seeking approval from certain people in my life. “Oh, he’s definitely your type” became a phrase I needed to hear. And up until I heard it, I wouldn’t give a guy a serious chance.

This brings me back to my story with Kevin. The first time I saw him I was instantly attracted. Semi-tall, dark and handsome, his pageboy cap and black framed glasses definitely sealed the deal.

I knew my friends would approve, and he was so conventionally good looking that I didn’t think of much else. It didn’t matter that our schedules conflicted and didn’t allow us a lot of time together, or the fact that our conversations were intellectually minimal. I was blinded by his good looks.

For the next couple of years I kept trying to convince myself that we had a relationship based more on just physicality.

Don’t get me wrong, we did have our good times together. We made each other laugh and all that jazz, but I always knew in the back of my mind that something was missing.

Finally, I came to my senses and came to terms with what I’d been denying the entire time: What we had was not the relationship I was looking for or needed. It was all a façade.

I’ve come to realize that guys who I wouldn’t usually give a second glance to turn out to be the ones I usually get along with.

Questioning why that is so, I’ve concluded that perhaps when I am not distracted by a person’s looks then I see their real worthwhile qualities. A truly “duh” revelation, I know, but sometimes it takes mistakes to realize something so simple.

Basing relationships solely on obvious physical attraction is very dangerous, because a person will go into the situation with preconceived notions about what good looks may entail.

If I had learned this in the early stages of my adventures into the love game, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be single today.

Don’t be afraid to look around at the more subtle opportunities. It’s never easy for people, especially recovering shallow-holics like me, to break through their own insecurities. But, as an ongoing theme in my columns, it only takes giving that one chance.

Beauty, for the most part, really is skin deep. And remember, physical attraction doesn’t always lead to chemistry.For those interested, I make it a point to talk to Kevin at least once every other month, just to catch up and see how he’s doing. And although I am completely over him, I still think he is oh so cute.

Source: Daily Sundial

Matt Mosher, Life Editor

Sex is arguably the most physically satisfying part of any relationship. But with sex comes great responsibility.

It is also important to understand what type of relationship the couple is part of, be it a one night stand, friends with benefits or a genuine attempt at a working relationship.

“A healthy relationship is, at its core, where two people are authentically themselves with one another, giving and receiving respect for who they are,” said Jane Fischer, Director of SBI health education.

Fischer said the amount of sex in a relationship depends on the comfort of both people involved and that neither partner should be pressured, forced, or coerced into doing anything with which they feel uncomfortable.

“People have needs, but sometimes those needs are different,” Fischer said. “If two people care about each other at the core - without sex… open, honest conversation can happen… the key is honest, respectful communication - expressing needs, wishes, fears, etc. If one partner is having more or less sex than they would like, they need to express that [and] the other partner needs to truly hear the other, and base their decisions on their own comfort, as well as the comfort of their partner.”

Mary Jo Fay, the author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, a new book about sex in relationships said in an article on webmd.com that couples should sometimes try to plan ahead for sex. Adding, “when sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation.”

Fay says that mixing things up a bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Partners can try “doing it” in a kitchen, a classroom or even try it while standing up.

“Sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy,” Fay said in the article.

For partners feeling uncomfortable talking about the dirty deeds, SBI offices have trained student and professional staff who meet one-on-one with students, or meet with them as a couple, to talk about how to communicate respectfully, honestly, and how to listen to one another, according to Fischer.

“If a couple has had sex once, it doesn’t mean that either partner should feel compelled to have sex again,” Fischer said. “This needs to be spelled out at the beginning, and throughout the relationship - a sort of ‘checking in.’ One person may think, ‘Since I haven’t said I want this to be an exclusive, romantic relationship, then he/she knows its not.’ The other, at the same time may think, ‘I haven’t said that I want this to be a casual, no-strings-attached relationship, so he/she knows its not.’”

She added that having sex too early can have different meanings and depends on what each partner expects and needs to get out of the relationship, and what they expect and need to put in to the relationship.

SBI also offers workshops on healthy relationships, Fischer said. They’re interactive, they can be fun, and they allow people to ask frank questions, and hear real responses. Anyone who would like to learn more can contact SBI at healthed@buffalo.edu or call 829-2584.

“Sex should not be the core of the relationship - respect is,” Fischer said.

Source: The Spectrum, The Independent Student Newspaper Of The University At Buffalo

By Jessica Walker

With Spring in the air and Spring cleaning on my mind, I decided to write this months article on how you can Spring clean your dating profile. I know what your thinking, cleaning - that’s loads of fun (note the sarcasm!) but, what if that perfect match stops just short of sending you an email because you failed to communicate your desires clearly.  Well, no need to panic because I have interviewed the perfect person to help you develop your communication skills both on and offline.  His name is Bob Nicoll and he is featured in my latest article, “Empowering word choice will enhance your dating experience.” Scroll below to read it now.

Bob has a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology, a Master’s in Counseling and over thirty years experience studying word choice and articulation.  Bob has also been a counseling psychologist, a business owner/consultant, a motivational speaker, a sales trainer, restaurant owner, financial planner and a top sales manager.  As recent as last year, Bob authored “Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts”.  Since it’s release in October 2008, Bob sold copies in more then 15 countries making it a book that has “jumped the pond.”

Bob’s book is the main focus of the interview as it is “a comprehensive program that teaches you to enhance your communication skills with family members, friends, co-workers—anyone who is important to you. It helps you stay focused on your task and accomplish more goals because you are conveying your message, and articulating your thoughts in a clear, precise manner. You eliminate confusion and gain confidence in your message and ultimately attract more of what you want.”  To purchase a copy of Bob’s book and learn more about his program please visit, www.remembertheice.com.

Oh and lastly, Bob is no stranger to Internet dating but you’ll have to read the interview to learn more about that.

Until next month, here’s to keeping you Safer in the City!

- Jessica

“Empowering word choice will enhance your dating experience”

Jessica: I heard you had a very successful experience using an online dating service, can you please share your story with our members?

Bob: Jessica, I am delighted to share our story.  Nancy and I met on an online dating service in October of 2002.  We both appreciated how the technology provided us the opportunity.  We lived 65 miles apart (near the Dallas metroplex).   After connecting through the site’s messaging system, we shared some emails and phone calls—realized there was a great chemistry starting, and decided to meet.  Actually, Nancy was the one who said, “I have a day off on Thursday, how about I come to Sherman and you take me out to dinner?”  I loved her spirit, and anxiously awaited her arrival at the restaurant.

The first meeting was very special.  That chemistry we both thought was there?…… was overwhelmingly there!!!  We had a great dinner, went to Wal-Mart and purchased a DVD player so we could view the 20th Anniversary of E.T. together.  We had a great first date.  We both knew we had something special happening.  I will always remember watching her leave the restaurant parking lot where we had left her vehicle parked, and turning the wrong way on a one-way street to get back on the highway.  I called her on her cell and asked if she realized it, and she smiled and said “NO, I think I had you very much on my mind at that moment!”  It was a cute moment.  Thankfully traffic around mid-night was usually pretty sparse.

We both shared our goals and dreams in our profiles, and saw many similar interests.  (BTW, that suggestion that “opposites attract”…..for me is generally a statement of the north and south ends of two magnets.)  We were definitely attracted to our many similar interests and respectfully asked about new ones that presented themselves.

Here is the body of my profile:

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