By Lori Gottlieb

The author of a provocative new book reveals why you’re wrong about Mr. Right.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:

1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2″. With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9″ (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0″). But one expert explained how limiting this was: “Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9″. That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4″ – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?”

2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that “there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person.”  Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

3. His occupation. Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren’t always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don’t have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand … you get my point.

4. His age. The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn’t picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, “getting each other”) and was too picky on the things that don’t (his age). While I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it’s foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he’s got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of “9″ and a compatibility of “5.” The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of “7.” Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who’s my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to “my type.” One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn’t her type. He didn’t fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They’ve been married for 20 years. “In America,” she explained, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe there’s no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn’t e-mail on Match.com. He wasn’t who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.

Source: wowowow.com

Read on as these women recall the times when Cupid’s arrow pointed straight toward disaster.

By Ashley Womble

Dream Date Disaster
A new guy surprised me by planning the perfect Valentine’s Day date: a romantic dinner followed by fireworks show on the beach. Everything was great until the check arrived. He asked me, “Should we split it or do you just want to pay for your meal?” After dinner we took a walk on the pier. He bumped into a girl, who was obviously his ex-girlfriend, and after talking and laughing for about 20 minutes without including me he finally said, “Oh sorry, this is my friend, Kat.” We broke up the next day. —Katrina, 19

Shot in the Heart
I had a crush on a close guy friend during college, so I was really excited when he asked me to come over to watch a movie on V-Day. I arrived at his dorm room with a handwritten poem that confessed how much I liked him. After I read it, he said, “That’s nice,” and promptly started the movie, Reservoir Dogs. It was clear by the first gunshot that romance was not on his mind. I was heartbroken and had to watch a gruesome, violent movie with no chance of cuddling with my crush. —Ashley, 28

On Thin Ice
I bought my boyfriend tickets to the Columbus Blue Jackets hockey game for Valentine’s Day. During a break in the game, my guy spontaneously grabbed and kissed me! I pulled away, because I was so shocked, and that’s when he pointed to the JumboTron screen. We had been on the “Kiss Cam,” and everyone in the arena had seen my snotty pull-away and embarrassed reaction. —Tina, 20

Ex Hits the Spot
After secretly dating two guys — Dan and Joe — for a few months, I told Joe I didn’t want a relationship, so that I could get serious with Dan. On Valentine’s Day, Dan took me out to dinner, and I almost choked on my drink when our waiter arrived. It was Joe! To make matters worse, Dan ordered a dish with béchamel sauce, which he loved. He gushed to the waiter, a.k.a. my ex, “If she could cook like this I’d marry her.” I wanted to die. —Cristina, 26

Honestly, Abe?
After a long dry spell, I was psyched to finally have a new guy in my life so we could spend Valentine’s Day together. Call me corny, but I was hoping I’d get flowers or chocolate — you know, what every girl wants! Instead, he gave me an old Abe Lincoln bobblehead that looked like it came from the bottom of his closet. I honestly didn’t even know what to say, so I just mumbled “thank you.” After a few more bad dates, I pulled off Abe’s head, and kicked that boy to the curb. —Adrienne, 17

Slacker Surprise
I decided to have a low-key Valentine’s Day with my live-in boyfriend. I had a feeling he was going to surprise me by making a special dinner or sending flowers. I didn’t talk to him all day, so I was really excited to see what he’d planned when I got home from work. I walked in the door to find him sitting in front of the TV in sweatpants. He gave me the lamest card I’ve ever seen and then asked, “What do you want to order for dinner?” I was shocked that to him low-key meant nothing at all. —Ali, 24

Party Foul
My boyfriend Matt and I didn’t have any special plans for V-Day, so he decided to have a few friends over for an impromptu get-together. I was a little pissed that he invited Krista, a girl I suspected had a thing for him. I played it cool until later that night, when he admitted that he had cheated on me with her a few months before. When I confronted her she denied it, but later I heard her ask Matt, “Why did you tell her?!” After a big blowout, I left the party and Krista spent the night with my guy! —Ciara, 18

Thief in the Night
The guy I’d been dating, Clay, was totally MIA on Valentine’s Day. At first I was worried, but after not hearing from him all day I started to get pissed. That night I got a call from the county jail, asking me to accept a collect call from … Clay! He had stolen his parents’ brand-new car and they reported it to the police. Even though I have a thing for bad boys, I broke up with that loser the next day. —Rachel, 22

Double Trouble
One Valentine’s Day, I planned an elaborate meal for my boyfriend. He acted really awkward during dinner, and when I gave him a gift he said, “Oh, I don’t have your gift. Can I give it to you tomorrow?” I found out later that he was dating another girl and had already celebrated V-Day with her earlier that evening! —Tiffani, 33

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

Flowers and chocolates are expected — but wait until you hear what cringe-worthy V-Day gifts these women received!

By The Nest Editors

Let’s be honest: As much as we love Valentine’s Day, it’s hard to ignore all the tacky teddy bears, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, roses, and (gag) lacy red lingerie. Even worse is being on the receiving end of a gimmicky V-Day gift. So, which items fall on the ultimate cheese list? TheNest.com readers share their most cringe-worthy Valentine’s presents.

“One of those big cards from the gas station.” —calle28

“My boyfriend got me a bikini (top only, he didn’t know you had to order the bottoms separately). He intentionally bought it a size too small.” —cherryblossom_bride

“My husband bought me one of those teddy bears in a straitjacket that was called ‘Crazy for You Bear.’ I have a couple of psychology degrees, so I found it kind of funny.” —psyck

“A guy I used to date gave me a plush, red pillow, trimmed with lace and a ribbon across it saying, ‘Will you be my valentine?’” —ootmother2

“One guy gave me a box of chocolates from the dollar store. Too bad I don’t eat chocolate.” —alabaster_angel

“How about a stuffed animal that dances to “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”? The dancing really upped the cheese factor.” —Mel_23

“My ex kept hinting about this awesome surprise he had for Valentine’s Day. Then he took me to Safeway and bought me a red mug that said ‘Kiss.’ Score!” —charisan

“Last year, my hubby gave me a tackle box filled with used lures and fishing worms that he no longer wanted but didn’t want to throw away, plus a Frisbee so he could take me to the park to play (like I was a puppy or something!). Needless to say, it wasn’t well received!” —Dondine

“I got a poem from an ex boyfriend where he went on and on about how beautiful my black hair was, and how he could look into my brown eyes for all of eternity. Too bad my hair is brown, and my eyes are blue.” —tiffwins

“I dumped a guy who gave me an ID bracelet — with his name on it. What, like in case I forgot his name? So ridiculous.” —ktrumpatori

“My husband once bought one of those coupon books full of IOUs (as in, ‘one free massage’ or ‘dinner on me’). He didn’t get it though, and thought he kept the tickets and gave them to me when he wanted to redeem them. I had to explain that he didn’t get to give me a coupon for his massage; I get the coupon and redeem it when I want!” —m+j

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

By Ellen McCarthy

The hikes Thierry Chiapello and Sharon Spradling began taking in fall 2006 were not particularly romantic.

They’d met earlier that year at the Pentagon. She was a career Air Force officer specializing in biomedical science. He was the director of the Defense Department’s Explosives Safety Board. Their jobs would require a certain amount of collaboration, so they exchanged cards and promised to be in touch.

And they were — trading messages on their BlackBerrys about work strategies, life philosophies and books they found compelling. When he signed off one Friday with a mention that he planned to hit the C&O Canal that weekend to clear his head, she replied that she’d been planning to do the same.

They decided to meet near Great Falls and set out on the trail together. Over the next few months they would log hundreds of miles, exhausting their bodies and trying, at least, to exorcise the sorrows weighing on each of them.

By then Chiapello, now 43, had been separated from his second wife for almost a year. He’d married for the first time at 27 when, as a young Marine, he found out his girlfriend was pregnant with their daughter. But the union lasted less than a year. When he walked back down the aisle at 31, it was with greater deliberateness and confidence that this relationship would last. But after two more daughters and 10 years, that marriage, too, began to crumble.

Spradling had been married for three years in her 20s, but chafed at the institution. It seemed to somehow change the way people treated her: She was someone’s wife then, not her own person. “People don’t talk to you, they talk to your husband,” she recalls. “It drove me nuts.”

For years she was happy to move around the country with the military. But she’d been in Washington longer than anyplace else, and it was here she’d carried on a 10-year relationship that had also hit the skids. By the time she and Chiapello began hiking together, the breakup was complete, though her ex-boyfriend had yet to move out of the house.

“That’s why we hiked so much — just to kind of talk about it,” says Spradling, now 44.

A 14-mile walk in the woods can breed a certain intimacy, one that deepened as they reunited on the trail every weekend. Little was left unsaid — except, perhaps, the feelings they were developing for each other. Spradling, in particular, thought there was potential, but even investing herself in that thought felt risky, she says, “because I think he was hoping, up until the last minute, that his divorce wouldn’t happen and he would have a happily ever after.

“It was pretty clear to me that wasn’t gonna happen, but you can’t tell somebody that. And you don’t even want to hope for that, really.”

It was Chiapello’s daughter, Monica, who impelled the relationship beyond the footpath. Visiting from Los Angeles over the holidays, the 16-year-old joined the two on a New Year’s Eve hike, nudging her dad at the end to invite Spradling to a family party that night.

Soon Chiapello and Spradling were seeing each other regularly, adding dinners and phone calls to their hiking routine. Chiapello’s divorce became final in March 2007, but instead of feeling like a release, the finality of it devastated him.

“You do the self-analysis: ‘What could I have done differently? How much of this was my fault?’ A lot of different issues start percolating up,” he explains. “You’ve got to take out the garbage, so to speak — about yourself. You’ve gotta clean house.”

To save himself from future heartache, he says, “I’ve often thought about joining a cloistered men’s monastery — at least for 30 seconds.”

Neither knew where the relationship was headed, but they agreed, Spradling says, “that we’d be friends no matter how it worked out.”

“There was no big rush,” Chiapello says. “And in hindsight that’s what I didn’t do in the previous two marriages: build a foundation of really getting to know someone — without any pressure of expectations for a future.”

At the end of 2007, they bought a house together. Living under the same roof proved difficult initially, so there were, just as there had been at the beginning, a lot of long talks. “It’s about communication overall. And I’m not talking about mild stuff. I’m talking about what’s really at the heart of it,” he says. “We worked through a lot of stuff. But we always came out on a better place, even on some really tough issues.”

The adage is that as people age, they become more set in their ways. Chiapello thinks the tumult of his life has instead made him more flexible. “I’ve become more tolerant over time,” he says. “I think life has really served to make me understand myself far better. And to understand what’s important and what’s not, and to appreciate what’s important and what’s not.”

During those first hard months — as he also worked to help his daughters adjust to the changes in their lives — Chiapello and Spradling paid a great deal of attention to “learning to tolerate each other’s imperfections and weaknesses.” There would be, they determined, no rose-colored glasses in this relationship. “That’s the beauty of this,” he says. “It’s real.”

When Monica came to live with them the following year, the couple began to feel frustrated with the description of Spradling as “my dad’s live-in girlfriend.” But each was still wary that marriage would somehow diminish the good thing they had going. For a while they decided to be “virtually married” and live as if they’d tied the knot, just to see how it would feel. “And that actually worked out pretty well,” he says. “So ultimately we said, ‘Let’s do it.’ ”

It took a year, but they finally set a date: Jan. 10 at Great Falls, where their relationship took root. There would be a ceremony, they decided, but no giant wedding. “We didn’t want to fall into that trap,” he says. “It’s about the rest of it — not the wedding.”

Before Spradling woke that morning, Chiapello sent her an e-mail. “As experience and understanding of who I really am becomes more evident on this constant journey called life, my shortcomings and mistakes become increasingly evident,” he wrote. But, he continued, “I commit to giving you my best day in and day out.”

As ice floated by on the Potomac and freezing winds blasted their dark overcoats, the two exchanged simple vows. And the guest list that day totaled seven, including their three dogs.

Source: The Washington Post

Some brave guy friends broke the male code of silence. If he does any of the following, he’s pretty much saying, you know, that phrase.

1. You catch him staring at your eyes.
The eyes are more than just windows to a man’s soul, they can also be a tattletale to what’s welling in his heart. Men always ogle the objects they desire — it’s the reason you’re always busting us cleavage-peeping. So consider: With all that eye candy out there, if it’s you he’s staring at, his affection runs deep. There are two types of I-love-you looks. There’s the secret stare (you’ll have to catch him in the act). “Watching my girlfriend at a party allows me a private moment when I can pinch myself and wonder how I deserve this amazing person in my life — a perspective I can’t get when she’s right there in front of me,” says Patrick, 30.

Then there’s the steady gaze. Guys are guarded when it comes to showing emotion. If they lock eyes for a full-tilt, unabashed stare, they’re lowering their shield to let you in. “I’d never hold that sort of eye contact with anyone else, but an intense gaze with my girlfriend reflects how comforted and captivated I am by her,” says Chip, 29.

2. He stocks his kitchen with stuff you like.
Discovering that his kitchen is loaded with biscotti, lemon-lime seltzer, and other feminine edibles (that would only pass his lips at gunpoint) shows you’re lingering on his mind in the most unexpected, unromantic places — like the produce aisle on a solo shopping trip. “One day I checked out my shopping cart and saw all the bags of baby carrots and bottles of diet soda meant for my girlfriend,” says Patrick. “It struck me that it had become second nature for me to consider what would make her happy, and that’s when I knew I was in love.”

Furthermore, stocking up means he’s gone public with your place in his pad. You see, men like to maintain at least the image of being detached for as long as possible. So leaving unmistakable evidence in our home that there’s a woman present in our life is a bright red flag that you’re The One.

3. He talks about where he wants to live in three years.
Telling you he plans to relocate out West one day may seem like a neon warning not to get any long-term ideas because your man’s getting set to leave you in the dust. However, it might also be his wily way of letting you know that he wants you in his future. “Every time I tell my girlfriend where I see ‘me’ down the road, I’m really trying to gauge whether she sees herself there with me,” says Jon, 26. So how do you know when a guy’s just bragging about his grand game plan and when he’s quietly declaring his love? It’s all in the way he talks. If he tells you he wants to move to Tahiti, be a beach bum, and ogle the local girls, no dice. If he mentions that he sees himself eventually settling in San Francisco, then immediately asks if you could ever envision living there, he’s emitting serious long-term relationship rays.

4. He wears the sweater you gave him all the time.
Trusting you behind the wheel of his wardrobe is something no man does readily. Not that guys are really all that picky about their appearance, it’s just that we pride ourselves on being, well, ourselves. “Blame it on the inflated male ego, but to permit any tampering with our identity, even if it’s for the better, is considered a sign of weakness,” explains Seth, 29. Consequentially, every time a guy does don some item he obviously didn’t pick out for himself, he’s showing that he’s letting you take control and do a little remodeling. It’s a bold statement, one that guarantees he’ll encounter a certain amount of abuse from his peers. Translation: He’s willing to endure his pals’ ridicule to make you happy.

5. He stands right next to you in public.
Where he stands when you’re out together says a lot about where you stand in his life. Consider this key truth: Call us dogs for it, but guys are hard-wired to check out women. “It’s second nature for men to scan every room they enter for possible trade-ups if he’s still in the market for Ms. Perfect,” says Robert, 31. That’s why when a man’s still uncertain about his feelings, he’ll either trail several feet behind you or get out in front and lead the path — two safety positions that keep his wandering eyes hidden. “But if he’s in love, he’ll squelch this most basic male instinct,” says Chad, 28. Sidling up shoulder-to-shoulder is his way of showing his commitment by keeping his eyes right where you can see them. Plus, sticking close puts him in range of being touched in public by you, and that limits his ability to go after a sexy chick he may spy. “Being side-by-side puts my girlfriend within lips’ reach, making it easy for her to whisper in my ear or lean in for a surprise quick kiss,” says Ryan, 27. “It’s my way of telling other women that I’m taken.”

6. He doesn’t flinch if you pick up his phone.
Men never know what potentially image-damaging force might be lurking on the other end of their phone line — from ex-girlfriends looking for a last hurrah to an overly inquisitive mom. If we let you answer that jingling time bomb, it means there’s absolutely nothing about us we want to keep concealed from you. “Men aren’t big on sharing. So when a guy lets you grab the phone — possibly making you privy to personal information you could use to blackmail him for the rest of his life — it means he’s planning on staying with you for a very long time,” says Rich, 29.

But more than just sharing his secrets, a guy handing you the rights to his receiver is essentially the same as giving you the key to his kingdom. “A guy’s phone is the last thing left in a relationship that’s truly his own,” says Jeremy, 26. “Giving up that remaining piece of autonomy is something I only do with someone I love.”

Find Out if He’s Falling for You: Little tip-offs that the guy you’re dating is getting in deep:

* He arrives at the restaurant for your dinner dates before you do.
* He remembers the names of your friends (and not just the pretty ones).
* He does things with you during prime sports time (weekend afternoons from 1 to 7).
* He asks about your family.
* He tells you the secret that his best friend told him never to tell anyone.
* He picks you up from the airport … during rush hour.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

By Rinsky

Thinking back to our high school English teachers, we may wonder what the heck they would know about online dating. Or dating at all, for that matter.

But Dianne Sweeney, a Marana native who now teaches high school English in California, has learned enough about the online dating scene to write a whole book about it.

Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace chronicles some of her humorous – and downright disastrous – online dating experiences. Sweeney was sweet enough to give us some of her insider knowledge.

Like the best way to go about online dating.

“You have to be yourself,” she said. “Do not lie about your weight, age, height. Be yourself.”

She also cautions not to take others at face value.

“Do NOT give people your personal address until you have met them a couple of times,” she warned in an e-mail. “Everybody is on his/her best behavior the first couple of dates. However, it won’t take long for their true colors to show if they are hiding anything.”

One guy who showed up 30 minutes late after Sweeney took a 45-minute drive to meet him, might have been better off hiding the truth.

“He apologized profusely and I asked what happened,” Sweeney said. “He said his mom wouldn’t let him out of the house until he walked his dog. He was 41 years old. The date went downhill from there.”

She did find a keeper through her online experiences. “He was sweet, funny, and enjoyed life,” she said. “He was very respectful.”

Unfortunately, his job didn’t keep him local and their relationship did not survive being a long distance romance.

“Don’t get frustrated,” is advice she both gives and follows. “Try a few different sites, and just have fun and laugh.”

Sweeney started online dating since she’s a busy woman. In addition to teaching English, she makes time for biking, reading and enjoying time with her favorite cat Scout.

“I thought (online dating) might be one way to find a Harry for my Sally,” she said. “I am still waiting.”

But she’s not giving up.

“Don’t get discouraged,” she repeats. “Dating is hell, and we are all out there.”

Source: tucsoncitizen.com

Following a divorce, getting back into the dating scene is always a bit daunting - especially when you’re a new single parent. A fellow post-divorce singleton shares her experiences and advice…

By Diane Mapes

As much as we’d love for them to last, marriages sometimes come with an expiration date. After that comes a court date. And then, after a few months (or years), comes a date of an entirely different sort: the first post-divorce date. Seattle writer Theo Pauline Nestor had been married for nearly 12 years when she suddenly found herself entering unfamiliar single territory. Not surprisingly, she responded by putting pen to paper, creating her compelling memoir, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed. We talked to Theo about how she made the journey from devoted wife to dazed divorcee to happy, independent singleton. Here’s what she had to say.

Q: What hit you the hardest after you and your husband split up?
A: The silence. When I was married, I would call my husband after I left somewhere and say “We just finished lunch and we’re headed to the zoo” or whatever. In the first weeks after our split, I’d take out my cell phone and then realize that no one was waiting to find out what I was doing. I felt like I was rattling around in the world without a tether.

Q: Did you eventually come to appreciate your single status?
A: I had glimmers of “Wow, I can do whatever I want now,” but the reality of having two young children usually tempered that pretty quickly. I don’t want to scare anyone who has just started going through this, but it probably took me about two years before I felt a steady optimism about the future. It might take less time or more for others, depending on the length and intensity of the marriage and other factors in your life.

Q: When did you start dating again?
A: I ended up dating my college-era sweetheart seven months after my husband and I split up, but it wasn’t really dating per se, because we knew each other and had already been romantically involved. Real dating — the little I did of it — came three years after my divorce, when my boyfriend and I split up.

Q: What was the best and worst advice you got from your friends and family?
A: My life coach probably helped me avert a disaster during the initial days of the divorce by telling me not to make any big changes for six months and to take time to grieve. My sister also convinced me to go on a vacation with her and she’s not a person one says no to. (She’s a psychologist and a trained hostage negotiator.) We went to Mexico, ate a lot of guacamole, drank tequila and talked for hours. And I came home hopeful. As for bad advice, I have to say I’m not a big fan of being told to remember “This, too, shall pass.” Yes, of course it will pass, but that’s not a huge solace when you’ll be dealing with your ex until you’re old enough to withdraw from your 401(k) without penalty.

Q: Some people take classes after a breakup; others climb into a bottle. What helped you get through the first six months?
A: Friends, exercise, therapy, work and reading. I also found that when I was writing about the divorce, I felt like I had more control over it, and I don’t think that’s just because I’m a writer. I think pouring thoughts out on paper during the divorce process is a very helpful way to deal with the fear. Even if you’re not normally a journal keeper, this might be a good time to use one.

Q: What advice would you give someone who’s fresh out of a long-term relationship?
A: Treat yourself like you would treat a child who just went through something horrible. Don’t beat yourself up for what you should have done differently. Put yourself to bed early if you’re tired. Call friends if you’re lonely. Buy yourself new music once in a while, even if you’re broke. To be single successfully, you really need to be actively on your own side, to be constantly on the lookout for your own best interests.

Q: So where are you now in terms of life, love and being a mom?
A: I really love where I am now, even if it isn’t always easy. I’m dating a great guy I met online —as a stay-at-home writer and a mom, I knew I’d never meet anyone unless I extended myself. I’m having fun with my two daughters, and I’m working on a new book about a single mom who refuses to settle for less than everything she wants. (OK, it’s about me!)

Source: lifestylemsn.com

By Kerstin Gupilan
Published on November 18, 2009

There’s a reason I’m still single. Yes, single. I’ve actually dated more than I’ve been in a serious relationship. Not being tied to a single significant other has its benefits, but also major downsides.

The thing is, I know exactly what the problem is, and I’ve been working to correct it for the longest time. It’s been more than difficult, though, because the problem is me.

Hear that guys? A girl admitting that she is the problem. Revel in it now because it won’t happen often, if ever again.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have the tendency to always go after the wrong guy.

I do a good job in staying away from guys with criminal records, married guys, guys with six toes on one foot and guys who are ax-wielding psychopaths.

No, instead I’m desperately attracted to the more run-of-the-mill type of guys.

The “emotionally unavailable” guy. The “not ready/looking for a serious relationship” guy. The “let’s just be friends so you don’t hate me later” guy. Yup, I’ve encountered the best of them.

And even though they each had their own special relationship complex to live by, they all had one thing in common: I found them all very attractive.

Hello, my name is Kerstin, and I’m shallow. Or at least I used to be. I was the girl who went after the guy who possessed a not-so-compatible personality but was oh-so-cute.

My earliest memory of being in this type of situation was in, as with most of my first forays into “love,” high school. Back then I had no idea I was pushing aside a guy who I got along with very well for a guy who I felt looked better.

This continued when I began college four years ago and met a very attractive teacher’s aid. We’ll call him Kevin.

But before I continue the “Kevin story,” which spanned just about two years, I would like to explore the idea of attraction, offering some sort of explanation for my behavior.

It is my personal, strong belief that physical attraction is just as significant as compatibility between two people’s personalities.

If there isn’t that pull, that heat between two individuals then there’s nothing, right? Well, it may not be nothing, but certainly an important aspect of the relationship is lacking.

But what happens when a person forces themselves to base their decisions solely on physicality?

The truth is that people’s tastes differ, so what one person may find attractive may not be so for others. To the average person, this idea is very easy to follow, and they can usually go on and live happily ever after.

But I wouldn’t be writing this column if I followed this idea.

The truth is I don’t really have a type, at least I don’t think I do. Sure there are little things I’m attracted to in guys: certain hair types, eye colors and styles. But when it comes to overall packages, I’ve always let others dictate my type.

It was like I was always seeking approval from certain people in my life. “Oh, he’s definitely your type” became a phrase I needed to hear. And up until I heard it, I wouldn’t give a guy a serious chance.

This brings me back to my story with Kevin. The first time I saw him I was instantly attracted. Semi-tall, dark and handsome, his pageboy cap and black framed glasses definitely sealed the deal.

I knew my friends would approve, and he was so conventionally good looking that I didn’t think of much else. It didn’t matter that our schedules conflicted and didn’t allow us a lot of time together, or the fact that our conversations were intellectually minimal. I was blinded by his good looks.

For the next couple of years I kept trying to convince myself that we had a relationship based more on just physicality.

Don’t get me wrong, we did have our good times together. We made each other laugh and all that jazz, but I always knew in the back of my mind that something was missing.

Finally, I came to my senses and came to terms with what I’d been denying the entire time: What we had was not the relationship I was looking for or needed. It was all a façade.

I’ve come to realize that guys who I wouldn’t usually give a second glance to turn out to be the ones I usually get along with.

Questioning why that is so, I’ve concluded that perhaps when I am not distracted by a person’s looks then I see their real worthwhile qualities. A truly “duh” revelation, I know, but sometimes it takes mistakes to realize something so simple.

Basing relationships solely on obvious physical attraction is very dangerous, because a person will go into the situation with preconceived notions about what good looks may entail.

If I had learned this in the early stages of my adventures into the love game, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be single today.

Don’t be afraid to look around at the more subtle opportunities. It’s never easy for people, especially recovering shallow-holics like me, to break through their own insecurities. But, as an ongoing theme in my columns, it only takes giving that one chance.

Beauty, for the most part, really is skin deep. And remember, physical attraction doesn’t always lead to chemistry.For those interested, I make it a point to talk to Kevin at least once every other month, just to catch up and see how he’s doing. And although I am completely over him, I still think he is oh so cute.

Source: Daily Sundial

Having trouble meeting a new guy, especially in a small town? “Sex and the City” writer and “O, The Oprah Magazine” columnist Cindy Chupack is here to help. Here’s a hint: Be the New Girl.

By Cindy Chupack from “O, The Oprah Magazine”

Q: If Carrie Bradshaw had trouble finding sex in the big city, imagine my trouble finding a man in Reno! The men I meet are washed-up high school Hall of Famers or your typical dog with nothing but sex on the brain. I’m in a rut. The right guy is out there. Why is it so hard to find him?
— Jacqui, Nevada

A: First of all, Carrie had a roomful of writers making sure she always had a man (or at least a funny story about why she didn’t have a man), so like single women everywhere, you’re at a slight disadvantage being nonfictional.

Given that you don’t have anybody brainstorming love interests for Season 6 of The Jacqui Show, I think you’re doing pretty well. After all, a has-been is better than a never-was, and men who are interested only in sex are preferable to men who are interested only in, say, Doritos. But I get it: You’re hoping there are other options.

Let’s talk about the problem of meeting men in your city (a favorite national pastime for single women). Reno is a gambling mecca, and gambling requires more losers than winners, but after you’ve been dating a decade or two, any city can feel like it has more losers than winners.

You know who does meet Mr. Right? The New Girl. I’m sure you’re familiar with this phenomenon. You’ve lived someplace for years, you’re feeling very “been there, done him,” then a female friend moves to town and before you can say, “This is where I get my hair cut,” she’s been on four dates and collected seven party invitations. She’s not better than you. She’s just newer. So that’s what you need to do, Jacqui: Be the New Girl.

I’m not saying you have to move, although moving certainly shakes things up. But you could also act as if you’ve moved and get the same results, no Bubble Wrap required.

I had a single friend who moved to Los Angeles from New York, and since she didn’t know many people, she decided to say yes to every invitation. That’s how she ended up on a bus to Pioneertown with a bunch of folks dressed as pirates. There are so many reasons to say no to that offer (”We’re going by bus?”), but my friend not only had a surprisingly good time; she firmly established herself as game, and more invitations (requiring no peg leg or parrot) came pouring in. Within months of her arrival, she had great prospects and great stories.

I had another friend who moved to Los Angeles for three months while on leave from a high-stress consulting job. After filling her time with volunteer work, daily beach runs, and watercolor classes, she exuded such a happy, healthy openness, she met men in line for coffee! Her final night she had two first date offers, and the one she accepted led to a permanent move to Los Angeles, marriage, and three kids.

Thinking about these women, I realized you don’t have to be new in town to act new in town. You just have to try new things. Check out local concerts and farmers’ markets. Find a new route to work, a new coffee place. Say yes to every invitation. And don’t do things to meet men; do things that intrigue, delight, or challenge you. Take singing lessons, flower arranging, salsa dancing, trapeze, French. Be the New Girl in a photography class, a running club, a Habitat for Humanity build. A new kind of guy might be attracted to the New Girl you become, but more important, you might love the New You. And that’s sexy in any city.

Source: lifestyle.msn.com

Online dating services are getting more and more popular in the Internet world. In fact, many people worldwide, are members of various online dating services. Statistically, there are more than 40 million singles in the U.S. alone that have tried online dating sites to find romance.

While it is a great and fun  way to find friends, dates, lovers and even marriage, there is risks. There are many scammers out there, that just want to steal your money or to get your email address. In my experience they go after new members… most  dating sites show when you joined.

The most common trick is the visa and ticket scam. Basically it is a scam, where a attractive female from Russia, Ukraine or African countries like Ghana and Nigeria contacts a lonely foreign man. “She” quickly falls in love with him and shortly after announcing her “deep feelings” for him “she” begins to plan her travel to meet the guy in person.

Now the money issues start. She will now ask for help to get the necessary documents like visa and passport. When the guy agrees to that, she pretends to get it and next she will ask for money to ticket and travel expenses. She sends a copy of the visa (fake, of course) and the guy really has no other choice than to send more money.

Of course they will never meet. The scam will go on as long as the guy agrees to send money to her. She will come up with all kind of stories and reasons to send more money.

I got one of the craziest stories from a scammer myself… lol. I was scammed like this the first time I joined a dating site over 5 years ago and this is my own experience. It is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but I fell for it and it cost me some money. After that I did some research and got acquainted with some scammers on purpose just to see how they work.

Here are some warning signs to be aware of:

It’s too good to be true - You just signed up on a dating site and and haven’t even finished your profile and you get email from a very attractive woman.

The woman asks for your email address or ask to you write to her private email in the first letter.

She has posted her location on her profile to be from your region, but in her letter she tells you a story about why she is in Ghana or Nigeria now…

Any person asking for money, for whatever reason - Do not send money to anybody for any reason.

Article Source: ezinearticles.com Laurence AArnio